Toilet Commits Suicide

Jersey City, NJ- Police received a distressing call from a toilet late last Friday. The toilet was ranting incoherently about committing suicide. Andrew, an American Standard ½-gallon “Quick-Flush” model, was having personal problems in the last few months.

“He was really unsatisfied with how his career was going. Two years ago, he would have never pictured himself in the position that he is in now.” said a close friend.

Andrew, or Drew as he liked to be called, worked in the restroom of Maxwell Wiejska’s Polish Sausage Buffet. He often remarked to friends that his stint in the Polish restaurant was just a springboard before he would get a job in a fancy office in downtown Manhattan. Unfortunately, these dreams would never come true. Drew ended up working in the same restaurant for nearly 4 years.

Police arrived at Wiejska’s at 8:21 on Friday night. “It was really a bad scene; we were obviously too late to do anything.” Officer J. Stevens reported. Police documents explain that when they arrived on the scene, the police found Drew with a plunger crammed in his drain, nearly to the tip of the handle.

Police found a suicide note from Drew that gave a brief window to his pain. “Everyday, I have to deal with the same crap from a bunch of buttholes,” the note read, scribbled onto a piece of Charmin Ultra-thick.

“He was a damn good toilet,” said Maxwell Wiejska, owner of Drew’s place of employment, choking back tears. “I guess we’ll just have to get a new one.”

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