To the Un-Original

Keep using me to seem witty!

Originally posted in 2006.

This is an open letter to everyone out there who relies primarily on “Napoleon Dynamite” quotes for their day-to-day humor. Please stop. For the love of god…you must stop. You have to realize that it’s not funny anymore. It was funny for the first week after that movie came onto DVD. The fact is that everyone in their mother can do a respectable Napolean Dynamite impression and if you can’t, you had better not have what we humans call a “tongue.” Does Tina really want to eat the ham? I think not. The writers of that movie came up with this and some other great lines, sure. But their work is trivialized when every butt-licker with Netflix recites the movie word for word. You all should be “voted off of the Island.”

This trend of over-quoting actually started fairly recently. A 1994 movie entitled “PCU” caused a generation of people to refer to others as “that guy” in addition to making it socially unacceptable to wear shirts with the name of the band that they are going to see in concert (Someone please tell me what exactly I’m supposed to wear to a Tool concert? A sweater-vest?)

Want more proof that over-quoters are ruining America? These are the very same people whose incessant quoting of “Chappelle’s Show” caused the comedian to go mental and flee to Africa. Africa is not that nice of a place either. It’s country where 3.3 million people died of AIDS last year. Now let’s weigh Dave Chappelle’s options:

1) Live in a country swarming with famine; plenty of water-born diseases, and moderately common Ethnic cleansings spawned by bloodthirsty warlords


2) Live on ocean front property in Los Angeles, collect a paycheck for 50 million dollars and deal with every douche-bag wearing a faded Red Sox hat coming up to him at the food court and saying “I’m Rick James, Bitch!”

So in short, unless you want every comedian, comedy-writer, and musician to flee to Africa, just stop it. You may think that your not guilty…but you are so guilty. And I know because “I am the law.” For the last time: Blue is not your boy; Scotch doesn’t taste good in your belly; and for goodness-sake… “more cowbell” is not a AMA approved treatment for anything, let alone a fever. So keep the quotes in their proper context. “That’s my final answer.”

P.S. I realized that I used a number of popular quotes while writing this piece. This was done purposefully. It’s called irony… “gosh!”

P.P.S. If anyone out there picked up on the quote from Judge Dredd…then pat your self on the back.

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