Splits-ville for Santa Claus

(AP) North Pole- When you live at the northern-most point on Earth, everything goes south eventually , even marriages. After nearly 15 centuries of marriage, there are rumors floating around the sub-zero air that Santa and Mrs. Claus may be getting a divorce.

The rumors started when Mrs. Claus was seen leaving a popular L.A. night club with Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos III late on a summer night in early July. The two were visibly intoxicated and being extremely intimate with each other on the dance floor, sources say. These rumors soon reached the pointy ears of a few of Santa’s employees, namely Hermey the Elf.

Hermey worked as one of Santa’s helpers for 13 years until enrolling himself in the North Pole School of Dentistry. He is also the author of the book “I’m Not F*#king Doing That: Confessions of a Misfit Elf.”

“All of us in the workshop kind of thought that whole marriage was a sham from the get go. I don’t think Santa even knew her first name. He always called her Mrs. Claus. I mean, after being married that long I think you’d at least call her Barbara or Janice or whatever. Plus, there were a few times when I’d be alone in his office and he’d like… pat my head or rub my shoulders. It wasn’t really that serious but it definitely made me uncomfortable.”

The couple’s love life may have been a bit conflicted as well. “She [Mrs. Claus] came onto me a few times. She kept talking about how I have such big feet for being an elf. But I knew what she meant.” Hermey exclaimed.

The two also had a long history of squabbling in public. The most recent outburst occurred at an upscale restaurant on the Las Vegas strip. Mrs. Claus, who apparently had too much to drink, began to touch their waiter in an inappropriate manner, even for Las Vegas standards. Santa stood up, threw his napkin on the table and began to publicly criticize his wife for her actions.

“I don’t care what you do when I’m not around, but when I take you out to dinner you will not act like a Ho Ho Ho!” Santa then picked up his dinner, comprised of a variety if different cookies, and threw it across the room.

“Maybeee if you stopped eating all those baked goods for dinner…your belly would stop shaking like a bowlful of jelly and I wouldn’t have to go out looking for some man-love.” the inebriated wife claimed.

The calls to the Claus house were not returned, but a close friend says that they are enrolling in marriage counseling as soon as the holiday season is over.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s