Originally posted in 2006 after some emo-band called the Starting Line played a show at Penn State:
If you thought the only consequence of the Starting Line Concert on Tuesday was an increase in the sales of Paxil, Zoloft and other anti-depressants, you would be wrong. Retailers reported an unheard increase of 78% in overall sales during the week. Fans of the Starting Line prepared for the concert by purchasing massive amounts of black zip-up hoodies, black wristbands, black index-fingernail paint, black “Mascara for Boys” brand make-up, poorly thought out haircuts, and the ever popular “Chuck Taylor Converse All-Stars” basketball shoes with laces strung together in an irregular, “non-conformist” fashion. Despite this boost in the economy, there was a negative consequence. A Columbus graveyard has actually seen a significant disruption in its everyday activities. On the surface there seems to be no connection to the events until it is examined thoroughly. The grave of Chuck Taylor, basketball player and famous salesman has been damaged, not by outside forces but from Taylor actually spinning in his grave.
Undertaker Tim Condolis has worked at the graveyard for 30 years. “Ever since these little rock and roll fairies started wearing Chuck’s basketball shoes we can’t keep his grave maintained. He keeps spinning in it and throwing our landscaping off,” exclaimed Condolis.
The constant coffin spinning by Taylor has been documented for the last 10 years, when Weezer’s Pinkerton hit shelves and sent many boys crying to their girl friend’s parent’s house with bloody wrists. The RPM’s have been steadily increasing over the years. When the Starting Line played at a State College bar Tuesday, nearly 360 miles away, the corpse actually drilled his way out of the ground.
“It’s just a shame that my father’s name will be remembered not for being the spokesman for a great basketball shoe that Hall of Famers like Wilt Chamberlain, Elgin Baylor, and Jerry West used to wear, but rather for having his name on the uniform footwear of the second least athletic sub-group of humans,” recounted Taylor’s son.