Total Jokes 4/16/19

President Trump suggested looking into “flying water tankers” to help fight fires like the one at Notre Dame.  It’s a childish, out of touch, and unrealistic recommendation that has already been patented by Google.

Over $700 million dollars have been donated to help Notre Dame.  The majority will likely its be used by its patrons to make structural repairs, while the remainder will be used for cosmetic humpback removal surgery.

Bed, Bath & Beyond has announced they will close 40 stores this year.  Most of the stores’ merchandise will be liquidated and the rest will be stored in Yaffa Blocks.

A dog was found swimming 135 miles off the shores of Thailand.  When asked why he was all the way out in international waters, the dog replied, “Fido who?  I never even met him.  I never killed anyone, man.  You got it all wrong!”

Michelle Obama recently said in a speech that living with Donald Trump as President is like living with a divorced dad.  It’s an apt comparison since he no longer controls the House.

 

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Report: Le’Veon Bell Will Sit Out Entire Season Unless He Is Paid Like A #1 Center Fielder

New York, NY – The newest addition to the New York Jets is already causing drama.  After a prolonged and bitter contract battle with his former employers, The Pittsburgh Steelers, running back Le’Veon Bell is already demanding a new deal.   According to Bell’s agent, he is looking for a 15 year, $512 million contract with guaranteed money “exceeding that of Angels’ Outfielder, Mike Trout.”

“I know my worth and I know that I could play baseball at the highest level if I wanted to,” Bell said on Twitter.  “I don’t want to put the wear and tear on my body because it may limit my options to become an All-Star Center Fielder next year.”

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Female Birds of Paradise Will No Longer Stand For Unwelcome Ritual Courtship Displays

Papua New Guinea – The tide has finally turned in the rainforest and many female Birds of Paradise are saying, “No More.”  After eons of being exposed to unwanted courtship displays by their male counterparts, the females have taken a stand.

“We are living in a time where it is no longer appropriate for a male to approach me on a branch of an Umbrella Tree and begin harassing me with his highly orchestrated wing-flapping and beak-flipping,” said one female.  “I’m just trying to gather fruits and seeds by myself.  I didn’t ask to be shown that.”

Studies have shown that a staggering 97% of female Birds of Paradise have been approached by strange males for mating opportunities in the last year.  What’s more shocking is that nearly 62% of females go along with the reproductive process afterwards.

Male reaction to this pushback is varied.  “When you do something a certain way for hundreds of thousands of years, I think you tend to not question if it’s right or wrong,” one said.  Others believe that the situation is equally emotionally perilous for males.  “I understand it can be uncomfortable for a female,” one said.  “But the female’s judgement can be harsh.  I’ve groomed my plumage.  I’ve hung upside down off of a tree while fanning my tail upwards, only to have a female fly away toward the chirps of another, presumably larger male bird.  I’ve been rejected countless times and every rejection is emotionally damaging.”

Many have urged for females and males to start a dialogue regarding the broken courtship system.  It has been difficult, however, to find common ground because the birds are sexually dimorphic in nature, a condition where the two sexes of the same species exhibit different characteristics beyond the differences in their sexual organs.

“Just because a male has jet-black plumage and I have light brown or that he has a slightly shorter beak than me, doesn’t mean that we can’t work to find a solution and make it a better place for everyone,” one female commented.

I Tried the “Hungry Caterpillar Cleanse” and You Won’t Believe the Results!

If you all haven’t heard of the “Hungry Caterpillar Cleanse”, it’s been really sweeping the internet lately.  Fitness enthusiasts from Melissa Barkov to diet guru Tanya Ellsworth-Browning have been raving about it.  So what is this craze all about anyway?

The cleanse closely follows the food consumed in Eric Carle’s “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” by its titular character.  It is heavily-fruit based but it last only a week.  The idea is that anyone can turn from a fat caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly.  I needed to lose a few pounds before my friends wedding so I thought I’d give it a try.  Here was my diet for an entire week:

Monday: One (1) Apple.  It seems extreme to start off with, but it wouldn’t be a cleanse without some discomfort.

Tuesday: Two (2) Pears.  It wasn’t so bad if you space out the pears to keep your blood sugar somewhat high.  They must be Bartlett Pears IMO.

Wednesday: Three (3) Plums.  At this point, the third plum seems like you are really gorging yourself.  And by the way, the pounds are just melting off at this point!  It seemed to be really working.  I collapsed only three times this day.

Thursday: Four (4) Strawberries.  Who doesn’t love these?

Friday: Five (5) Oranges.  They suggest you eat all five oranges in one sitting.  This was tough.  Lots of mouth sores.

Saturday: CHEAT DAY!!!   You’re allowed to eat basically anything but the strictest adherents like to play by the book.  They eat and one piece of chocolate cake, one ice cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss Cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake and a slice of watermelon.

Sunday: Now for the full cleanse.  You are only instructed to eat one green leaf.  This one is tough, especially after all that binging!

I didn’t feel really like a butterfly at this point.  I was pretty tired after this whole ordeal so on Sunday night I crawled into bed and wrapped myself up tight.  I quickly molted off my layers of skin and revealed pure, raw muscle underneath.  Soon, just like a caterpillar, my body released digestive enzymes within my gut to liquify my entire body.   So there I was, laying in bed, basically a big puddle of protein rich slime.

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Here’s me, getting some fresh air on my daily walk. I’d lost nearly all of my bone density and cell integrity, getting my to my goal weight and then some.

I’d say my rating of this diet really depends on me being able to will my body into the rapid cell division required to re-form my internal organs, bones, lymphatic system, GI tract, genitals, etc.  There doesn’t seem to be much direction on exactly how to reassemble myself into the “new me” from the proponents of the cleanse.

So that’s kind of where we’re at now…

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Report: 93% of Snowmen Built By Slightly Irritated Adults

Evanston, IL – A recent Northwest University study concluded that nearly all of the snowmen built around the world are done so by exasperated, mildly-grouchy adults.  Despite the reputation as being a wholesome activity of childhood winters, the study found that most children pitch the idea for building a snowman, participate for 13 seconds, then grow bored and complain that they want to go inside and watch Paw Patrol.  This leaves the parent to complete the remaining 22 minutes of work required to complete the average three-sphere snowman.