If “I Love You Stinky Face” Were Written by Franz Kafka

“I Love You Stinky Face” is a vividly illustrated bedtime story that shows how the unconditional love of a mother can be tested through the relentless questions of her little boy, who in his mind turns into a variety of creatures.

“But Mama, but Mama, what if I were a super smelly skunk, and I smelled so bad that my name was Stinky Face?”

“Then I would give you a bath and sprinkle you with sweet smelling powder.  And if you still smelled bad, I wouldn’t mind, and I would hug you tight and whisper in your ear, ‘I love you, Stinky Face.'”


 

Owen awoke that morning with the glare of yellow sun stabbing through his Thomas the Tank Engine curtains.  Thomas’ face was illuminated like the gilded stained glass of old cathedrals.  The faces of Thomas and Percy and Sir Topham Hatt were all brilliant shades backlit by the morning, yet their vacant stares cast a coldness into the room.

He stretched and buried his eyes in the pillow, gently shuffling his feet back together under the covers.  He rubbed his eyes and felt something different.  Black fur had coated his hands and the rest of his body sometime in the night.  He arose with a start.  The immediate pulse of adrenaline shocked the sleep from his body and he was aware of many sounds and smells.  Owen looked at his hands and feet, all paws now.  A jet-black tail streaked with white protruded from his jammy bottoms.

Just then, footsteps sounded in the hallway and he heard his mother’s voice approaching quickly.  The handle to his bedroom door turned.

“Good morning, baby,” his mother called.  “Can I get you some breakfa-”  Before she could finish the sentence, she let out a shriek.   “What the hell!” she cried.  She slammed the door shut again.

“Carl!” she called for Owne’s father.  “There’s a god-damned animal in Owen’s room.”  The heavy footsteps of his father came bounding up the stairs.  There was a intense conversation in the hallway.

“But it’s just me!” Owen tried to call out.  But only squeaks resonated in the room.  “It’s your little baby Owen!”

The door opened again, more carefully this time.  His father, armed with a hockey stick and a large cardboard box, side-stepped into the room.

“Daddy, help me!” Aiden tried to squeak.  He ran up and hugged his father’s leg.  “I dreamt I was a skunk and now it came true.”  His father swung the hockey stick, striking the creature that was once his son in the snout.

No plea of Aiden’s helped, no plea was even understood; however humbly he might turn his head, his father merely swung his stick more forcefully.  When Aiden turned to cower from the next blow, his tail lifted and sprayed the room with a heinous secretion.  His father cried out blindly and retreated back to the hallway.

His parent’s conversation outside of the room was muffled again.  Aiden could only hear the words “Go get my gun.”

 

 

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Children’s Book About the Movie “The Good Dinosaur” 62-Pages Long for Some Reason

Harrisburg, PA – Reporting that it took over 37 minutes to get through his son’s normal bed time reading routine, parent Tim Rommel has revealed that a children’s book about the movie “The Good Dinosaur” is inexplicably 62 pages in length.

“It just kept going on and on and on,” said Mr. Rommel.  “I was on page 17 and they were still doing basic character exposition.  They didn’t even introduce that little caveman guy until like halfway through the book.”

 

Pixar could not be reached for comment.

“Conor Lamb Wants Illegal Immigrant, Heroin Dealers to Take Your Guns and Medicare” by Rick Saccone

Hi everyone,

My name is Rick Saccone and I’m running for United States Congress.  You may know me already from the hundreds and hundreds of flyers I’ve personally left in your mailboxes, doorknobs, and car windshields.  I’m a retired Air Force officer with vast experience in counter-terrorism efforts.  I think the choice is pretty clear when it comes to who you should vote for in the March 13th special election.  It’s between me, and a guy who wants illegal immigrant drug dealers to take your Medicare payouts and rip your guns away.

Conor Lamb is a great guy.  Really!  He is!  It’s just that he quite literally wants to personally escort Nancy Pelosi into your house so she can give your entire family abortions paid for with YOUR TAX DOLLARS!  I’m a pro-life and a fiscal conservative, so you can see why I’d have a problem with this.

Now, I’m not saying that Conor Lamb is the anti-christ but consider this: the book of Revelations says that the “Lamb of God will break the Seven Seals ushering in the four horseman of the apocalypse.”  Uh…Lamb….Lamb?  You don’t have to be a genius to see the similarities.  If I was a betting man, I’d bet that if you elect this guy on March 13th, the sky will crack open and a thousand three-headed dragons will swoop down bringing pestilence, famine, war (he’s not all bad) and death.

I think I’ve made a strong point as to why you should vote for me, Rick Saccone, to be your next congressman.  But if you’re still not convinced, here’s a handy-dandy chart.

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See you at the polls!

Rick Saccone

Report: Jared Kushner Failed to Disclose He Was Sith Lord During Election Campaign

Washington D.C. – Democrats are furious this week after an FBI probe revealed that Jared Kushner is a member of an ancient monastic organization of evil Force users.

“The conflict of interest in this situation is deeply troubling,” said Rep. Ted Lieu (D-CA).  “We can have no way of knowing if this Administration has been infected by the ways of the Sith.  Or if they are secretly steering US policy.”

It appears that problems with Kushner’s affiliation is not a partisan issue either.  A growing number of Republicans are interested in sniffing out Kushner’s ties.  “I’m not saying he did anything wrong,” said Senator John Thune (R-SD).  “However, I think it’s at least important the American people know if the President has, in fact, been under some kind of Force-driven mind control.  We’re all owed that.”

The FBI retrieved a number of suspicious tax documents for Kushner Companies, the real-estate-holding company of which Kushner serves as CEO.   The documents show that from 1999-2015, Kushner signed his checks “Darth Sindar”.  This has two grave implications.  First, with a title like Darth, we can assume that Kushner is not just affiliated with the Sith, but in fact a Sith Lord and master of the Dark Ways.  Second, and perhaps more disturbing, since it is the law of the Sith that for every master, there must be a student, one could safely assume that there is another Sith planted in a different branch of the government.

Kushner could not be reached for reply.