Total Jokes: 8/22

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A cryptic Instagram video released by Taylor Swift shows nothing but a snake slithering against a black background.  Fans believe that the video is Swift is either trying to put her haters on notice or chronicling her escape from the Temple of Doom.

A 25-year-old man is in custody after he was caught trying to blow up a statue of Confederate Army Major Dick Dowling.  This news has lead to many American’s to believe that Major Dick Dowling would make a great porn name.

Comedy legend Jerry Lewis died this week.  His memorial service will take place at Synagogue Beth-El Flavin’ Nice Lady Hoy!

Cleveland Brown’s Quarterback Jack DeValve became the first white player to kneel during the national anthem.  Predictably, it just didn’t seem as cool afterwards.

The website http://www.CelebJihad.com is under fire for publishing hacked nude photos of Tiger Woods.  The Pulitzer Prize commission is reportedly debating on whether or not to retract http://www.CelebJihad.com’s many, many awards.

 

Report: Nation’s Men Losing Their Musk

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Harvard, CT – A study from Harvard Medical Center shows an alarming trend in male biology.  Experts have long believed that the average US male has lost his musk over the past decade, but there was never a study large enough to validate the theory.

“We can confirm based off empirical evidence, that American men are losing their tang, their odor, their bouquet,” said Dr. Jacqueline Mastesa.  “It is an alarming trend that is on the verge of being a national crisis.”

The longitudinal study collected data from test subjects over the past 11 years.  In that period, the average man lost 35% of his musk.  Musk is an vital feature of human physiology.  The aroma interferes with a female’s olfactory senses, thus preventing them from being absolutely revolted by a man’s sweaty, hairy, disgusting body.  It is therefore critical to reproduction and the propagation of the human species.

Some theories as to the cause of the loss of male pungency range from the rise of sedentary work environments, to different food additives, to the release of James Blunt’s hit 2006 song “You’re Beautiful” .  However, there is no medical consensus.  “We feel that this study validates our concerns,” said Dr. Mastesa.  “We can now move forward in the hopes that we can one day restore men’s base-line stank to at least 1980’s levels.”

 

 

World’s First: Guys Who Saw A Mermaid

We go back in time and join the remnants of a small Assyrian boat crew lost on The Great Sea.  Their voyage has lasted for months and peril has followed them at every turn.  A great squall took their mates and supplies.  They have been without food or drink for two days.  The sun blinds them. Aunier & Mardohk are losing hope…

Mardohk: Brother, the wind stirs.  We must catch it while it lasts if we have any hope of returning home.

Aunier: What is the use?  There is no land in sight.  I have no strength to steer this vessel to safety.  We should allow the gods to take us now.

Mardohk: Wait shut up!  Did you just see that?

Aunier: See what?

Mardohk: Dude, I swear I just saw some smoking hot chick pop out of the water.

Aunier: All the way out here?

Mardohk: Look!  There she goes again.

Aunier: That’s a manatee.

Mardohk: No, it’s not.  It’s a lady.  What’s up sweet thang!    Dang, look at the rack on that!

Aunier: A lady with a big flipper tail in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea?

Mardohk: Ok so she might not be a lady.  She’s uh…a uh…mermaid.

Aunier: What’s a mermaid?

Mardohk: It’s a half fish, half beautiful lady.  I’m falling in love.

Aunier: You are delusional.  I know we’ve been without any food or water for a while but egads man. Pull yourself together.

Mardohk: Look here’s the bottom line.  I’m hungry.  I’m thirsty.  I’m sun-blind.  We’re either going to make sweet love to each other or to that manatee..er…mermaid.   Your choice.

Aunier: Fine.  I get top half.

Mardohk: Deal!

French Gift

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.”

French Politician #1 : You know who I can’t stand?

French Politician #2: The Dutch?

French Politician #1: Yes, but who else?

French Politician #2: The English, the Welsh, the Germans, the Russians, the Bulgarians, most Algerians?

French Politician #1: Yes to all of those, but America is really annoying me lately.

French Politician #2: Oh, I know!  They’re so full of themselves.  They get one Constitutional Democracy up and running and think they are all that.

French Politician #1: You know what would be funny?

French Politician #2: Jerry Lewis marathon?

French Politician #1: No.  Let’s send them a gag gift!

French Politician #2: That’s hilarious, like what?

French Politician #1: What about like a big, bright, expensive copper statue?

French Politician #2: Lol.  They’re just getting their country started.  Where the heck are they going to put that?

French Politician #1: That’s the beauty, they’ll feel socially obligated to put it somewhere prominent like a coastline or a bay or something.  But it will look ridiculous!

French Politician #2: Doesn’t bright copper turn a nasty green when it’s near water?

French Politician #1: Lol.  Yes!  That’s the joke.

French Politician #2: You know what we could do too?

French Politician #1: What?

French Politician #2: We could put an inscription on it that basically invites all the worst people in the world to go to America.

French Politician #1: Sacré bleu!  Those idiots will probably think it’s a metaphor of how they’re a beacon of freedom, but in reality, it’s an advertisement for scumbags of all nationalities, religions, and ethnicities to rent apartments there!

French Politician #2: How will we pay for this?

French Politician #1: We’ll keep telling America that we’re almost done with it but we ran out of money and those ding-dongs will pay for it themselves!

 

Total Jokes – 7/4/17

Vladimir Putin brought his pet labrador to a security meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who is scared of dogs.  Taking this as a cue, Donald Trump has promoted a ventriloquist dummy to Secretary of State.

A Major League Baseball umpire Monday sued the league for racial discrimination.  It’s hard to imagine the same people that brought you Chief Wahoo could be capable of racial discrimination.

Volvo’s Australian trial runs for self-driving cars are experiencing difficulties because of the vast number of Kangaroos crossing the roads thus confirming all stereotypes about Australia.

NASA has publicly denied outrageous claims by some conspiracy theorists that there are child slave colonies on Mars.  It does not refute the fact however, that it has been receiving some disturbing messages from the Mars Rover.

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