Harrisburg, PA – Reporting that it took over 37 minutes to get through his son’s normal bed time reading routine, parent Tim Rommel has revealed that a children’s book about the movie “The Good Dinosaur” is inexplicably 62 pages in length.
“It just kept going on and on and on,” said Mr. Rommel. “I was on page 17 and they were still doing basic character exposition. They didn’t even introduce that little caveman guy until like halfway through the book.”
My name is Rick Saccone and I’m running for United States Congress. You may know me already from the hundreds and hundreds of flyers I’ve personally left in your mailboxes, doorknobs, and car windshields. I’m a retired Air Force officer with vast experience in counter-terrorism efforts. I think the choice is pretty clear when it comes to who you should vote for in the March 13th special election. It’s between me, and a guy who wants illegal immigrant drug dealers to take your Medicare payouts and rip your guns away.
Conor Lamb is a great guy. Really! He is! It’s just that he quite literally wants to personally escort Nancy Pelosi into your house so she can give your entire family abortions paid for with YOUR TAX DOLLARS! I’m a pro-life and a fiscal conservative, so you can see why I’d have a problem with this.
Now, I’m not saying that Conor Lamb is the anti-christ but consider this: the book of Revelations says that the “Lamb of God will break the Seven Seals ushering in the four horseman of the apocalypse.” Uh…Lamb….Lamb? You don’t have to be a genius to see the similarities. If I was a betting man, I’d bet that if you elect this guy on March 13th, the sky will crack open and a thousand three-headed dragons will swoop down bringing pestilence, famine, war (he’s not all bad) and death.
I think I’ve made a strong point as to why you should vote for me, Rick Saccone, to be your next congressman. But if you’re still not convinced, here’s a handy-dandy chart.
Washington D.C. – Democrats are furious this week after an FBI probe revealed that Jared Kushner is a member of an ancient monastic organization of evil Force users.
“The conflict of interest in this situation is deeply troubling,” said Rep. Ted Lieu (D-CA). “We can have no way of knowing if this Administration has been infected by the ways of the Sith. Or if they are secretly steering US policy.”
It appears that problems with Kushner’s affiliation is not a partisan issue either. A growing number of Republicans are interested in sniffing out Kushner’s ties. “I’m not saying he did anything wrong,” said Senator John Thune (R-SD). “However, I think it’s at least important the American people know if the President has, in fact, been under some kind of Force-driven mind control. We’re all owed that.”
The FBI retrieved a number of suspicious tax documents for Kushner Companies, the real-estate-holding company of which Kushner serves as CEO. The documents show that from 1999-2015, Kushner signed his checks “Darth Sindar”. This has two grave implications. First, with a title like Darth, we can assume that Kushner is not just affiliated with the Sith, but in fact a Sith Lord and master of the Dark Ways. Second, and perhaps more disturbing, since it is the law of the Sith that for every master, there must be a student, one could safely assume that there is another Sith planted in a different branch of the government.
“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continual lying to other men and to himself. The man who lies to himself can be more easily offended than anyone. You know it is sometimes very pleasant to take offense, isn’t it? A man may know that nobody has insulted him, but that he has invented the insult for himself, has lied and exaggerated to make it picturesque, has caught at a word and made a mountain out of a molehill- he knows that himself, yet he will be the first to take offence, and will revel in his resentment till he feels great pleasure in it, and so pass to genuine vindictiveness. But get up, sit down, I beg you. All this, too, is deceitful posturing….”
“Blessed man! Give me your hand to kiss.”
Fyodor Pavlovitch skipped up, and imprinted a rapid kiss on the elder’s thin hand. “It is, it is pleasant to take offence. You said that so well, as I never heard it before. Yes, I have been all my life taking offence, to please myself, taking offence on aesthetic grounds, for it is not so much pleasant as distinguished sometimes to be insulted- that you had forgotten, great elder, it is distinguished! I shall make a note of that. But I have been lying, lying positively my whole life long, every day and hour of it. Of a truth, I am a lie, and the father of lies. Though I believe I am not the father of lies.