World’s First: Guy Who Used Castling in Chess

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Castling is a special move in chess where you simultaneously move your king, and one of your rooks.  The king moves two squares towards a rook, and that rook moves to the square at the other side of the king. It started to be used prominently in the 17th Century.  We join Pascal and Fredrik’s game in the Prussian city of Stettin in 1701.

Pascal: Are you sure you’d like to move your Knight there, my friend?

Fredrik: I suppose.

Pascal: Haha.  My Bishop takes your Pawn and you are in check mate!  You fool!

Fredrik: No.  I’m not in checkmate.

Pascal: Yes you are, you buffoon.  Can you not see that?  You’ve left your king exposed and he has no where to go.

Fredrik castles his King and Rook.

Fredrik: I’m not in check now.

Pascal: You can’t do that!  That’s illegal.  You can’t move your king more than two spaces.  Plus you were in check.  Are you some type of imbecile that can’t understand the rules of the game?

Fredrik pulls out a small pistol and points it at Pascal.

Fredrik: It’s called Castling.  And it’s a chess move now.

Pascal: Ok, ok, jeez.  I’ll just castle my King too.

Fredrik cocks the pistol.

Fredrik: Only people named Fredrik are allowed to do it.

The Animal Bill of Rights vs. The Cruelty of Human Existence

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Apparently there is something called the Animal Bill of Rights, the purpose of which is to guarantee legal protection to farm animals from cruelty and harm.  Sounds nice, but the way I read this, I realized that if this thing gets adopted, these animals will have it better off than most humans.  Here’s the list:

1. The Right of animals to be free from exploitation, cruelty, neglect, and abuse. 

Human’s don’t have this right.  In fact, a fundamental right of humans is the right to exploit your fellow man.    Just the other day, a cashier was ringing me up at a grocery store.  She miscoded my Vidalia onion as a Yellow Onion (which was less expensive).  I didn’t say a word!  I got out of that Giant Eagle saving $.17.  Haha!  Sucker!  Just another pawn in Jeff Konkle’s game.

2. The Right of laboratory animals not to be used in cruel or unnecessary experiments. 

Some of the most famous experiments in human history could have been considered cruel and unnecessary.  That Stanford Prisoner Experiment was completely unnecessary and it ended up being really famous.  Now that I think about it, who green lighted that thing?  Some Dean of Stanford’s School of Psychology read the proposal.  “So you’re going to simulate brutal torture to see if your human test subjects will break their own thin morals and become forever changed by accessing the depths of their own brutality?  Hell yeah!”

3. The Right of farmed animals to an environment that satisfies their basic physical and psychological needs. 

Boy, this would be nice.  Although satisfying all psychological needs seems pretty broad.  I know a girl who compulsively pulled out her eyebrow hairs before she took tests in college.  Are we going to satisfy her psychological needs?  What about the Ichneumon wasps?  They find a victim (usually a caterpillar), inject their eggs into the victim’s body, paralyze the victim, and then eat it while it is still alive. The worst part, however, is that the wasp consumes the fatty deposits and digestive organs first. This keeps the caterpillar alive for as long as possible.  Are we just going to say, “Hey man your psychological need to torture a harmless caterpillar is cool.  You do you.”

4. The Right of companion animals to a healthy diet, protective shelter, and adequate medical care. 

It’s a right to a healthy diet?  My hamster ate her 6 of her own babies.  I’m not guaranteeing that.

5. The Right of wildlife to a natural habitat, ecologically sufficient to a normal existence and self-sustaining species population. 

Does spending 2 hours in a car then 8 hours in a cubical count as a natural habitat?

6. The Right of animals to have their interests represented in court and safeguarded by the law of the land.  

If you think about it would be hilarious.  A pig in a navy-pinstripe suit snorting an objection to the prosecution’s leading the witness.  The witness in this case would be a Purdue chicken.

 

I think the best course of action here is to do what we always do.  Let’s just not ever think about it!

Local Sailboat Identifies as Male

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Destin, FL – After multiple years at sea spent being referred to as a “she”, local sailboat Fate came out as transgendered.  Fate has requested that those he is close with refer to him using male pronouns from now on.

“I don’t think anyone in the crew was shocked,” said Fate’s captain, Kirk Barnard.  “Fate has always hinted at feeling different.”

Despite fearing backlash at the announcement, Fate told the first-mate, boatswain and finally Captain Barnard.  Instead of conflict, Fate found a supportive crew who was understanding of the decision.

“Yeah, I’m old fashioned so the whole thing is a little confusing,” remarked Captain Barnard.  “But when you think about it, the fact that we call boats ‘she’ is kind of dumb in the first place though.  So really, it’s no biggie.”

Does the Family Medical Leave Act Entitle Fleury to his Starting Goaltender Job?

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There has been lots of talk in Pittsburgh regarding whether or not Marc Andre Fluery should start in goal for the next round of the Stanley Cup playoffs.  Opponents will say that the team should ride the hot-hand of Matt Murray, who defeated Vezina Trophy winner Braden Holtby in the last round.  Murray has performed well above average and Fleury hasn’t seen game time action in several weeks. But does Marc Andre Fleury have a legal claim under the Family Medical Leave Act to his starting goaltender job?

This is bad blog writing, but no.  He doesn’t.

The Family Medical Leave Act protects workers in mid-large organizations (defined as having over 50 employees) from being replaced for taking medical leave.  The FMLA dictates that all employers must continue benefits for injured workers and reinstate them to a similar position upon their return to work.

The Penguins have well over 50 employees, so they meet the threshold stated by the language in the law.  Under this stipulation the Penguins must provided FMLA benefits to all full-time employees.

The problem lies in the phrase “similar position.”  While not technically a “starting goalie”, after Fleury recovered from his concussion he was reinstated to a goalie on the Penguins team.  He is making the same salary as before he left and is entitled to the same benefits.

So no, there is no legal remedy that will make Head Coach Mike Sullivan put him in goal to start the Eastern Conference Finals.

This blog entry was pretty much useless.  But hey!  You clicked on it, right!

Go Pens.

A Stomach’s Frank Conversation with Mountain Dew: KICKSTART

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“Dew. Juice. Electrolytes.  Mountain Dew: KICKSTART is three awesome things combined.  When the day is ending, you’re just getting started.  It’s the great tasting kick when you need it most. “

Stomach:  Dew, I don’t mean to offend you but I’d like to speak directly to Juice and Electrolytes.

Dew: Whatever man.

Stomach: Juice, I just feel like I don’t even know you anymore.  You’re hanging out with the wrong crowd.  It’s bad enough that you snuck alcohol in here last weekend.  But now you’re coming in here with this character.

Dew: Hey man.  I have a name!

Stomach: You’re bad news Dew.  And I don’t want you hanging out with Juice or Electrolytes anymore.

Electrolytes: You can’t talk to our friend like that.

Juice: You of all people have a few too many “friends” for my liking, Electrolytes.  You’re just hooking up with anybody now.  Gatorade.  PediaLyte.  Vitamin Water.  And now you’re with the worst of the worst.

Dew: Cool out bro!

Stomach: I will not cool out!  Last week you were in here, you burnt through my lining and tried to give us diabetes.  Is that…is that Yellow 5 behind your back?

Dew: No.

Stomach: Yes it is!  I told you I don’t want that in my house.  Do whatever you want on your own time, but you’re not ruining my sweet babies.  I want you to get out of here!

Dew: That’s cool.  I’ll be fine man.  Just know that I’ll be back.  I’ll be back when you can’t find a coffee, or are on a long road trip, or just get real nostalgic during the Fourth of July.  I’ll be back.

Juice: I can’t believe you talked like that to our friend!

Electrolytes: We HATE you!

Juice and Electrolytes run off to the small intestine to have their nutrients absorbed.

Stomach: One day you’ll understand…