Total Jokes 10/16/17

 

  • A nutritional study in India has revealed that 40% of children are under-nourished while 33% are obese.  Bad news for Indian health policy makers; terrible news for Indian see-saw salesmen.

 

  • Jenniffer Gonzalez-Colon, Congressional Representative for Puerto Rico has said that President Trump has given, “Everything we asked of him.”  This is not the first time Trump has said, “See? She was asking for it!”

 

  • Scientists report that two neutron stars have collided resulting in the creation of gamma rays and heavy elements like gold.  In a related note, scientists are happy to also report the sighting of an Intergalactic Hulk Pimp.

 

  • A 15 year old, one-legged water polo player is on the verge of leading his team to another State Championship in Michigan.  Meanwhile, I got sad when it was rainy yesterday.

 

  • Colin Kaepernick has accused the NFL owners of colluding to keep him out of the league.  NFL owners have said that they were not colluding but just playing Contain.
Advertisements

“The Magnitogorsk Candidate”

After the Penguins Stanley Cup Event at the White House, President Donald Trump is sitting on a out of the way couch in the Press Room.  Staffers and athlete’s mill about taking pictures, making phone calls.  The President seems foggy.  Melania sits by his side.

Melania: Are you all right, dear?  You had horrible nightmares last night.

Trump: I had that dream again.  The one where I was in a Russian grain silo.  The one where I did horrible things.   And I remember lights.  Or maybe I dreamt the lights….like an operating room.  Shining down on me.

Melania: It was just a dream, darling.

Trump: It…it felt or…I suppose it feels…real.  Like swimming in and out of memories.  And the wires and the lights.  The nightmare…I’ve lived it so many times.  I know it so well.  Have I…have I… done horrible things?

Melania: Oh, my sweet one.  We’ve all done horrible things.

Melania nods to Evgeni Malkin.  The Penguins Center moves effortlessly across the room, shaking hands and smiling along the way.  He sits down next to Trump.  Melania stands and attends to the guests.  The loud din of the room masks their conversation.

Malkin: President Trump?

Trump: Yes?

Malkin: President Donald Trump?

Trump: Uh-huh.

Malkin: President Donald J. Trump?

Trump: …yes.

Malkin: Listen.

Trump’s eyes turn vacant.  His shoulders go slack.

Malkin: Now then.  The plan to bring about the downfall of the American Presidency is coming along nicely  However, there is still work to do, comrade.

Trump: Yes, ma’am.

Malkin:  By then end of the week you must tell the American public that Christopher Columbus was a great man and should be honored or else they’ll be put in jail.  You’ll tell Chinese President Xi Xiping to “keep your bitch in check” after Kim Jong Un test fires another missile.   Finally, tweet something hurtful about Taylor Swift.  That should gut any remaining support in the heartland.

Trump: Yes, ma’am.

Malkin:  We’re almost there, comrade.  родном углу всё по нутру.

Trump: I don’t remember you.  Are we friends?  I’d like to believe that we’re friends.

Malkin: Of course we are.

Trump smiles.

Malkin: When you smile… oh darling, when you smile, that’s what I live for. When you smile.  Now then, you may go ahead an play a little solitaire.

Malkin stands up and walks back over to his teammates.  Trump sits alone, flipping imaginary cards onto a coffee table.  

“We Must Overthrow This Oppressive Matriarchy” by a Male Bonobo Chimpanzee

There comes a time in all of our lives where we need to make a stand.  There is an unspoken oppression that pervades our community.  We are in 2017 and it’s time for a change.  It’s time to we recognize that we are living in a society that actively discriminates and minimizes the experiences and contributions of bonobo males in our chimpanzee community.

Just last week, I was hanging from a Flowering Dogwood tree in the Congo Basin attempting to eat my daily intake of fruit when I was approached by a pack of three females.  If my past experiences with groups of multiple females had taught me anything, it’s that I was about to experience harassment and intimidation.  Sure enough, they surrounded me and began whooping and chattering at me in a sexually aggressive manner.  The sad part is that, although it made me feel uncomfortable, I rationalized their behavior because I knew they were clearly in their estrus phase (judging from their swollen genitals, I’d say this was the case).  Just another day living as a modern day male bonobo chimp, I thought to myself.  But why am I expected to embrace my victimhood just because of their reproductive schedule?  Procreation is important, but it’s no excuse for making me feel unsafe in my own tree.

This behavior has long been accepted as “female bonobos being female bonobos.”  However, there is a double-standard for behavior.   We all know what happens to rogue males of our species who attempt to engage in this aggressive behavior.  They are labeled.  They are looked down upon.  Often times they are hunted down by females and clubbed or bitten to death.  In one infamous instance last yer, a male’s genitals were bitten by two females simply because they did not want him to encroach on the large patch of fruit they had discovered.  This one instance is awful on its own.  Yet this type of violence against males happens every day and we say nothing.

This is not to say that all female bonobo’s are complicit in the mistreatment of males.  There is a small but growing force of allies within the female ranks who understand that the institutional marginalization of male bonobos must come to an end.  They recognize the privilege that our system bestows upon females (access to fruit, etc).  As males, we must push the dialogue until one day, the matriarchal society will be a thing of the past and there will be equality among the sexes.

Let us hope that for a future where the skills that we male bonobo chimpanzees bring to society (brotherhood, fruit gathering skills) will one day be viewed on par with the “traditionally” valued skills that our female counterparts bring (domination of societal hierarchy, hyper-sexual promiscuity in order to increase genetic biogenetic diversity within the pack).

 

A Job Interview with the WWE


Vince McMahon: Well I see that you’re applying for our open pro wrestler position.  Tell me about your qualifications.

Wrestler: Well, I’m 6’7.  250 lbs of solid muscle and I have greasy black hair.

Vince McMahon: Wow. That will be something new for the audience.  What’s your ring attire look like?

Wrestler: I wear black to the ring.

Vince McMahon: Bold choice.  How about your character?

Wrestler: I don’t know.  I guess my character just kind of has a general bad attitude.  Maybe kind of a badass that doesn’t talk a lot?

Vince McMahon: That’s a breath of fresh air.  Finally, can you wrestle?

Wrestler: I thought I’d kind of learn as I go if that’s ok with you.

Vince McMahon: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Study: 98% of Tiny House Purchases End in Murder-Suicide

candmportraitexample

Kansas City, KS – A trend in the American housing market may have grave implications according to a study from the University of Kansas Medical Center.  “We found that a vast, vast majority of people buying tiny houses either commit murder, commit suicide or commit both within the first 7 weeks of living in their new residence,” said lead researcher Derek Paulson.

Tiny houses have become a movement for home-buying Americans, especially with millennials who are rejecting the broad commercialism of their parents.  However, the attractiveness of a low mortgage payment and simplified living does not apparently outweigh the fact that trying to jam a family into a 200 sq. ft. home is a recipe for grim death.

In July, Sarah Patterson of Overland Park was sentenced to life in prison only 3 weeks after purchasing a Tiny House for her husband and teenage daughter.  As this study might have predicted, Patterson murdered both members of her family in cold blood.  “There were just never enough plugs for everyone,” she said in a telephone interview.  “It got old real quick.”

Life isn’t all bad for Patterson now that she resides in Douglas County Prison.  “They put me in solitary confinement and it was quite the upgrade.  I didn’t know what to do with all that space!”