Report: Satisfying Series Finale of “Mad Men” to Feature All Characters Being Beaten to Death By Biker Gang

Los Angeles, CA – AMC is frantically trying to suppress a leaked copy of the approved script to the series finale of Mad Men in which all six of the unlikeable, self-centered, unredeemable main characters are brutally beaten to death by a California biker gang.   It appears that head writer Matthew Weiner will give fans what they want: to see the characters who have absolutely wasted their time over the course of several years with no growth or tangible story arc get into a tussle with the Gypsy Motorcycle club and have their asses absolutely handed to them on a platter.

The leaked script has the advertising agents becoming embroiled in a bitter turf war which culminates in a 42 minute fight sequence at a San Francisco honky tonk.  Pete Campbell is shown having a pool cue broken over his head , Joan Harris is repeatedly whipped with a heavy chain, and Don Draper is stuck in the kidney with a stiletto.

Fan reaction to the script has been mixed, with a minority of people looking for a more traditional ending and most others thinking that useless, vapid, wastes of humanity got off too easy.

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The Rapture of Breakfast

“Enjoy the little things in life because one day you`ll look back and realize they were the big things.” – Kurt Vonnegut

She lays her head upon a flannelled pillow,

Strands of aurburn falling into her eyes.

The night has grown silent save for the

Buzz of a box fan drowning out the creaks

And settling sounds of a house drifting to sleep.


Two socks on her feet are rubbing the sheets

Creating a friction and a starting point of comfort.

Before the lights dim, I give her a kiss on the ear

And another on the cheek and another on the chin.

Her eyes open and I stare into our future

specked with blacks and reds and yellows and oranges.

She closes them again and smiles deeply at some

daydream of which I must be playing a part.


I wonder out loud, what she’s smiling about.

Her cheek brushing against her bare shoulder.

The smile grows wider and deeper.

She looks at me enraptured and says…

“I’m really excited to eat that bagel tomorrow.”

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Improv Tonight for T-Robe’s DVD Filming…

I’ll be at the Pittsburgh Improv tonight opening for T-Robe.  He’s filming a DVD and already both shows are sold out.  It’s going to be an absolute blast working with one of my very best friends in the local comedy scene.

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Per NCAA Student-Athlete Regulations, Urban Meyer to Be Paid in School Credits

Columbus, OH – Ohio University Football coach Urban Meyer has inked a blockbuster deal in which he will earn $6.5 million dollars in elective credits every year until 2020.  Following the same compensation principles that apply to student athletes, the 50-year old head coach will be able to enjoy additional perks like free room and board, textbooks and full access to Ohio State’s meal plan.

With the average cost of college education sitting around $23,000 per year, Meyer should be able to earn many advanced degrees while working full-time as the head coach of a Division I football program which generates millions of dollars.

“I have to have something practical to fall back on,” said Meyer.  “Having 13,280 credit hours at my disposal should really allow me to find a career that I am passionate about just in case I can’t make it in the pro’s.”

“Also, they have a ping-pong table at the gym, so that’s pretty cool.”

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Answers to Odd Interview Questions recently published a list of oddball interview questions asked by employers.  Here’s how you’d answer them if you didn’t want to get the job.

“What would you do if you were the one survivor in a plane crash?” – Airbnb.

After I ate all of my fellow passengers, I guess I’d floss?

“What’s your favorite 90s jam?”Squarespace.

Hey!  Didn’t you read my resume?  I’m a marmalade guy, damn it!

“If you woke up and had 2,000 unread emails and could only answer 300 of them how would you choose which ones to answer?”Dropbox.

I would unsubscribe from Groupon’s mailing list and answer the remaining 4 e-mails.

“Who would win in a fight between Spiderman and Batman?”Stanford University.

NERD ALERT!!!!! (stands up, gives interviewer wedgie)

“If you had a machine that produced $100 dollars for life what would you be willing to pay for it today?”Aksia.

The real question is: how did you find out about my machine?  Did Grizz tell you that?  That rat!!!

“What did you have for breakfast?”Banana Republic.

I’m not really sure what you’re driving at.  Am I supposed to say “a banana,” or am I not supposed to say “a banana?”

“Describe the color yellow to somebody who’s blind.”Spirit Airlines.

Take them outside on a hot August day and let them feel the sunshine on their face.  Let the gentle rays warm their skin and think of a time when they felt content and satisfied.  Or tell them to eat a bunch of asparagus and take a whiff when they go number 1.

“If you were asked to unload a 747 full of jelly beans, what would you do?”Bose.

Sounds like a job for the Teamsters.  Oh, you’re not unionized?  Well, I can take care of that!

“How many people flew out of Chicago last year?”Redbox.

What’s a “Chicago?”

“What’s your favorite Disney Princess?” –  Cold Stone Creamery.

By favorite, do you mean the one that showed the most courage in the face of adversity or the one I’d like to make out with if they were somehow a real person?  In either case, my answer is Ursula.

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