1. Management Frowns on Moonlighting As a Sadistic Vigilante
By day, you’re a mild mannered CPA just trying to eek through life. By night, you become DreadHand, a half-insane crimefighter bent on bringing an excruciatingly cruel form of frontier justice to the streets of your city. Whether it’s asking your boss to leave early so you can burn the feet of a suspected arsonist with an arc welder or being denied a work from home opportunity so you can waterboard a purse snatcher you have chained to your water heater, not having flexibility means it’s time to leave!
2. They Make You Sauté Your Beef Wellington in a Subpar Kitchenette
A good Beef Wellington takes time and above all else, it takes a gas stove. Don’t be forced into the abject ghetto of the kitchenette with its electric range simply because a few co-workers complain about the smell. If the air is too savory for them (if there even is such a thing), then they are the ones who need to be accommodated with a separate facility, not you.
3. They Hire Old People
This is just gross. The marketing team can’t sell your company as fun and exciting if it has a bunch of grey-haired, 40 year olds walking around. If your company isn’t promoting inexperienced MBA graduates into positions of exceedingly high power and responsibility, then you already know where it is headed. Don’t go down with the ship!
4. Prescription Plan Doesn’t Cover PCP
It takes a lot to get through the day. With demanding work schedules and increasing stress levels, some of today’s top companies are encouraging their employees to take a dose of Angel Dust. Whacking a heavy bump of Rocket Fuel can cause euphoria, ego loss and a sense of weightlessness. Why wouldn’t your employer want you to feel that way? It’s a question that needs to be answered before you turn in your resignation.
5. They Don’t Let You Watch Nursing Co-Workers Express Their Breast Milk
Privacy rooms for nursing mothers are an absolute must for the modern workplace. These rooms allow females who are breastfeeding their infants a way to continue the natural process. But what about all of the other people at the office who want to leer at them while the breast milk is being pumped? A simple two-way mirror or even a tiny hole drilled through the drywall will do. If they’re not willing to make this accommodation, then it’s time to head out the door!