Dayton, OH – Seeing that the Mendhelson’s are the only ones in the entire neighborhood with their garbage cans by the curb tonight, local residents of the Tall Timber housing development are wondering if they are missing out on something. “Everyone puts their garbage out on Wednesday Night. It’s Tuesday night,” said one bewildered neighbor. “What does Mendhelson know that I don’t?”
Several residents wondered if Mendhelson had the inside track on some type of little-known government holiday that effected the trash collection. Others had to double check that it was in fact Tuesday, instead of Wednesday. Many decided to follow Mendhelson’s lead anyway, putting their garbage cans out as well for the sake of uniformity.
When reached for comment, Dan Mendhelson shrugged, “Is it only Wednesday? Huh…kind of felt like a Thursday.”
President Trump suggested looking into “flying water tankers” to help fight fires like the one at Notre Dame. It’s a childish, out of touch, and unrealistic recommendation that has already been patented by Google.
Over $700 million dollars have been donated to help Notre Dame. The majority will likely its be used by its patrons to make structural repairs, while the remainder will be used for cosmetic humpback removal surgery.
Bed, Bath & Beyond has announced they will close 40 stores this year. Most of the stores’ merchandise will be liquidated and the rest will be stored in Yaffa Blocks.
A dog was found swimming 135 miles off the shores of Thailand. When asked why he was all the way out in international waters, the dog replied, “Fido who? I never even met him. I never killed anyone, man. You got it all wrong!”
Michelle Obama recently said in a speech that living with Donald Trump as President is like living with a divorced dad. It’s an apt comparison since he no longer controls the House.
New York, NY – The newest addition to the New York Jets is already causing drama. After a prolonged and bitter contract battle with his former employers, The Pittsburgh Steelers, running back Le’Veon Bell is already demanding a new deal. According to Bell’s agent, he is looking for a 15 year, $512 million contract with guaranteed money “exceeding that of Angels’ Outfielder, Mike Trout.”
“I know my worth and I know that I could play baseball at the highest level if I wanted to,” Bell said on Twitter. “I don’t want to put the wear and tear on my body because it may limit my options to become an All-Star Center Fielder next year.”
Papua New Guinea – The tide has finally turned in the rainforest and many female Birds of Paradise are saying, “No More.” After eons of being exposed to unwanted courtship displays by their male counterparts, the females have taken a stand.
“We are living in a time where it is no longer appropriate for a male to approach me on a branch of an Umbrella Tree and begin harassing me with his highly orchestrated wing-flapping and beak-flipping,” said one female. “I’m just trying to gather fruits and seeds by myself. I didn’t ask to be shown that.”
Studies have shown that a staggering 97% of female Birds of Paradise have been approached by strange males for mating opportunities in the last year. What’s more shocking is that nearly 62% of females go along with the reproductive process afterwards.
Male reaction to this pushback is varied. “When you do something a certain way for hundreds of thousands of years, I think you tend to not question if it’s right or wrong,” one said. Others believe that the situation is equally emotionally perilous for males. “I understand it can be uncomfortable for a female,” one said. “But the female’s judgement can be harsh. I’ve groomed my plumage. I’ve hung upside down off of a tree while fanning my tail upwards, only to have a female fly away toward the chirps of another, presumably larger male bird. I’ve been rejected countless times and every rejection is emotionally damaging.”
Many have urged for females and males to start a dialogue regarding the broken courtship system. It has been difficult, however, to find common ground because the birds are sexually dimorphic in nature, a condition where the two sexes of the same species exhibit different characteristics beyond the differences in their sexual organs.
“Just because a male has jet-black plumage and I have light brown or that he has a slightly shorter beak than me, doesn’t mean that we can’t work to find a solution and make it a better place for everyone,” one female commented.