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God Issues Product Recall on Lower Back

Heaven  – The Omnipotent Lord of All Things, God, is recalling over 7.1 billion human spines after several structural flaws were discovered in the lower portion of the bone.  For 200,000 years, God has received over 111 trillion complaints about the lower back prompting Him to formally research the issue in 2015.  After a comprehensive study, God announced the design of the lower back was incompatible with human life.

“After thorough research, it appears that I did not account correctly for the force of Earth’s gravity on the human spine,” said God in a press release.  “There were errors within the formulas where decimal points were misplaced.  It has resulted in a sub par product.  For many users, this includes sciatica, herniated discs, etc.”

He continued, “I have built a reputation on creating things that work.  The overwhelming majority of My creations have functioned perfectly: the Sun, Death, the US Electoral College.   Please know that I am working diligently to correct this mistake.”

Despite God’s overwhelmingly good track record, this is not the first time something He designed has been placed under scrutiny.  God famously issued an recall on Dinosaurs 65.5 million years ago.  God also issued a product recall on the notion of Justice in 1956 after John Ford’s now-classic western film, The Searchers, wasn’t even nominated for an Academy Award.

Humans who are using their lower backs now should discontinue use immediately.

Total Jokes 1/3/17

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  • The world’s oldest known killer whale is missing and thought to be dead.  Police have already taken Brendan Dassey into custody for questioning.
  • A new documentary suggests that the Titanic actually sunk because of complications from a coal fire in addition to hitting an iceberg.  The lesson of course: everyone on the Titanic was a really huge idiot.
  • Wendy’s gained a lot of social media attention after they embarrassed a twitter critic on Monday who didn’t believe their slogan, “Fresh Never Frozen Beef.”  Meanwhile the Burger King spent 42 minutes on PornHub.com.
  • The Republican-led Congress is considering gutting the house ethics committee.  It’s a response to their many constituents calling for nationwide Ethic Cleansing.
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Tarkin’s Immediate Dillema

Grand Moff Tarkin was in a frenzy.  “Does no one know how to stop that abominable noise?” he screamed.  The war sirens continued to blare within the Death Star several hours after it had fired its lasers, destroying the planet Scariff and its Imperial Data Centers.  Admiral Orson Krennick, Director of the Death Star, had been on that planet when it was destroyed.  Tarkin had seen to that.

Despite being a shrewd strategist, Tarkin hadn’t thought very far ahead when he had sent his political rival to die on Scariff.  After all, Admiral Krennick knew the Death Star as well as anyone could.  He had known every exhaust port, every sanitation bay, every Korthropian arc furnace.  He was, in the end though, a threat to Tarkin’s political aspirations and had to be dealt with accordingly.

 

The wail of the sirens continued.  “So we have no idea how to shut these things off?”  Tarkin said in a panic.  “What’s this button do?”

Tarkin pushed a cool green button.  The sirens increased in volume for some reason.

Several Imperial officers in the  Command Center shrugged.  Some avoided eye contact.  “Sir,” one portly officer shouted. “Admiral Krennick was really the only one who knew the controls.  He wouldn’t let anyone else even look at the manual.”

“So we have no idea how to operate this thing?”

“Afraid not, sir.  Not without the manual.”

“Well where is this manual?” Tarkin demanded.

“There was an electronic copy of it on Scariff.”

“Of course there was,” Tarkin ruled his eyes.  “There isn’t a hard copy somewhere?”

The officer swallowed.  “Sir, as you can imagine an operating manual for an entire moon-sized battle station would be impractical to have in a binder.  I believe it was over 730,000 pages long.”

“Didn’t you fools think that having a paper copy available would be helpful in situations like this?

“Situations where we intentionally blow up our own data centers, sir?”

Tarkin’s eyes darted around the room.  “Yes.”

“No sir.  We hadn’t planned for that,” the officer explained.  “We did want to print it initially.”

“And why did you imbeciles decide against that?”

“Well, you had sent that e-mail out a while ago that said that since supply costs were getting high we really shouldn’t be using as much printer paper or ink while on base.”

Tarkin gave a quick snort and his eyes again scanned the room.  Several of the officers seemed skeptical.  “That…that doesn’t sound like something I’d say.”

“I can pull up the e-mail if you’d like sir,” the officer continued.

“That won’t be necessary.”

The portly officer scrolled through his tablet.  “Here it is, 10 days ago from GrandMoffTarkin@Imperial.gov.  ‘Great job getting the Death Star ready you guys.  We did run over budget for the build so as a cost saving measure we’re trying to save some paper and ink.  Please refrain from printing if at all possible,’ signed Grand Moff Tarkin.”

Tarkin, now the second highest ranking official in the Imperial Army, scanned the room one last time.  He looked back at the two blue-cloaked Senate Guards that flanked him.  The blank visors on their helmets looked back cold and emotionless.

“Kill this man.”

 

 

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Total Jokes 12/29

Online retailer Amazon has recently filed a patent for a floating fulfillment center which will be suspended 45,000 feet in the air.   Amazon employees are reportedly not looking forward to that commute.

Donald Trump will be writing his own innaguration speech.  The President-elect has reportedly spent several hours trying to find a synonym for “bigly.”

R+B Artist Trey Songz was arrested after he began throwing stage equipment at police during a concert.  To be fair to Trey, the police officers had been yelling “Freebird” all night long.

A new study says that a long, stable marriage may increase a man’s chances of survival after a stroke.  That is of course, if you remembered her birthday this year.

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Actress Debbie Reynolds passed away at the age of 84.  The Nation is in Good Mourning,  Good Mourning!