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Total Jokes 2/19

Car-maker Lamborghini is recalling it’s ultra high-end Veneno model, citing engine issues.  Lamborghini has assured affected customers that they will have access to their local dealership’s Ford Focus loaner.

The board game Monopoly has removed the beloved Thimble game piece to make room for a new piece which will be selected by tallying comments on the game’s website.  Early reports are showing the “Asshat” piece in the lead with the “Liberal Scum” piece right behind.

A book was returned to a Pennsylvania library 75 years past due, with a late fee that would have been $554.  The person responsible said the book wasn’t late; it was just A Wrinkle in Time.

Columbia University had to retract 270 incorrect acceptance emails it mistakenly sent to prospective students.  With annual out of state tuitions of $51,000 per year, the parents of these students are calling it “the best day ever!”

At a hospital in Spain, a 64 year old woman gave birth to twins after receiving IVF treatment.  The babies are already referring to the old woman as “the Spanish Ar-mama.”

 

Is it Garbage Day Today?

Hey Neighbor!  How’s it going?  Crazy weather we’re having lately.  It was like 14 degrees yesterday now it’s all sunny.  Yeah I’m one of those old fogeies that still gets the actual print newspaper.  I don’t know.  I guess because I like the feel and the smell.  Newspaper has a smell.  Yes huh it does.  Well, I couldn’t describe what it smells like exactly.  I guess it just smells like newspaper.

Hey I noticed that you put your garbage cans out yesterday morning.  I saw it when I was driving home.   I’m not trying to be a stickler or anything but you know the municipality has some pretty strict ordinances on when you can put those out.  Well, yours were out at least 24 hours before scheduled pick up.  Yes they were.  They were!  I saw them with my own two eyes.  Why are you getting this upset when you haven’t even heard what I’ve got to say?

What I have to say is this: I’m going to turn you into the police for putting your garbage cans out early.  Yeah, well you can throw your hands up all you want.  I’m still going to do it.  There you go getting defensive again.  That ordinance is there so people don’t just throw trash out at the curb all willy-nilly.  Because.  Because then it would look like a trailer-park and there’d probably be garbage cans rolling around the street all day which is just a hazard to everyone.  The raccoons would have a field day.  But you’d probably enjoy that, wouldn’t you?  I knew you were on their side from day one.

You know it’d be nice for someone to just own up to a mistake instead of getting all defensive like you are.  But that’s America now, right?  Everyone gets a trophy.  Oh please.  That?  That was nothing.  I’m not apologizing because I didn’t do anything wrong in that instance.  If you called the police on me for that they’d totally brush it off.  There’s nothing illegal about that that I’ve seen.  Where does it say that?  Oh so you’re saying that there is some ordinance that says I couldn’t make my own formaldehyde in my garage?  I haven’t seen it.  And even if there was one, which there isn’t, it’s not like I sold it.  Yeah, it was for my own personal use.  Yes it was.  It doesn’t count as a zoning infraction if you aren’t running a business and like I said, I didn’t sell it or anything.  None of your business why I needed so much!  I don’t ask you why you leave your garbage out two days in advance.  It did not “stink up the whole neighborhood” as you put it.  Formaldehyde doesn’t smell at all.  It doesn’t.  Well then google it.  Google “smell” and “formaldehyde” and I’ll bet you come up with zero results.

What do you mean you haven’t “seen my mother around in a while.”  What is that supposed to mean?  She’s been busy at work.  At the store.  The clothes store.  That is too where she works.

You know this neighborhood is really falling apart.  Just please, keep your garbage away from the curb until the time frame specified by the ordinance, ok?

 

 

Total Jokes 2/13

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After a meeting with President Trump, CEO of Intel Brian Krzanich announced that they’d be building a $7 billion dollar domestic factory in Arizona.  Analysts say that the factory could create hundreds of jobs for local robots.

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President Trump met with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudaue to talk about his penis…er…uh…foreign policy!  I meant foreign policy!

Playboy has announced it will return to publishing nude photos in its magazine.  You can find the new issue of Playboy underneath a teenager’s mattress near you!

With the Nation’s increased awareness of gender equality issues, the Women’s World Football League has been gaining membership.  It’s a strong signal to the young girls that women can do anything men can do, especially die prematurely from CTE.

 

The Emperor’s New Robe

A recent New York Times article characterized Donald Trump as a lone wolf who roams the halls of the White House wearing a bathrobe.  Thus a meme was started.

I personally don’t see what the big deal is.  Robes are about as the most laid back piece of clothing you can wear.  Now, if Trump was wearing a Snuggle around, then I’d say we have a problem.

Don’t you want the leader of the free world to be relaxed?  You don’t want him anxiously pacing back and forth chain smoking over every little issue.  “Christ, what are we going to do about the drapes in here!?!”  No.  You want him at ease.  “Hey, man.  There’s plenty more Navy Seals where that came from.  Let’s all just chill.”

The greatest leaders were the ones that were relaxed.  Winston Churchill got out of bed at 11:00 AM, read the newspaper, took a bath, drank a whiskey and soda, ate lunch for two hours, fed the ducks, worked for a about an hour and fifteen minutes, took a nap, woke up, another whiskey and soda, ate dinner, played cards, and went to bed.  And he wrote 50 books, beat Hitler, and won a Nobel Peace prize!  So I don’t really think a robe is anything to worry about.

Trump is an elderly man with a young wife who has posed nude in print.  Now he’s wearing a robe around.  Is he trying to turn the White House into the Playboy Mansion?  Pretty soon David Spade and Fred Durst are going to be walking around trying to get laid in the Rose Garden.

The robe is a truly distinct piece of clothing though.  On any given day, if you’re wearing a robe, you’re either filthy rich or dirt poor.  Because in either case, you don’t really have jack to do.   You either sit on your ass and eat junk food or sit on your ass and trade junk bonds.

Abe Lincoln had the stovepipe hat.  George Washington had the powdered wig.  Bill Clinton had Umbro Jogging shorts. So it is with this in mind that I declare the robe the official garment of the Trump Presidency!

 

 

The Mechanics Servicing Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet

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Two mechanics look into an empty hangar. 

Mechanic 1: So…is it really?

Mechanic 2: Yeah.  It’s there.

Mechanic 1: You’re not screwing with me?

Mechanic 2: Nope.  I saw her pull it into the hangar this afternoon.

Silence.  

Mechanic 1: Do we just…like…what do we do?

Mechanic 2: I guess just walk forward and hold your hands out.  Feel around, I suppose.

Silence.

Mechanic 1: Do you think she has an “invisibility off” button or something?  That’d make things a lot easier.

Mechanic 2: How do you suppose you’d even find that button if there was one?

Silence.

Mechanic 1:  I mean, I’m going to need the VIN number off of this thing in order to update the registration.  How am I going to find that?

Mechanic 2: Doesn’t this thing run on jet engine fuel?  Wouldn’t you be able to see the fuel sloshing around in the tank when she’s flying?  I get that the tank is invisible but does it turn the fuel invisible too?

Silence.

Mechanic 1: Do you think we’ll ever be able to get this thing done?

Mechanic 2:  I don’t see it.

Silence.