Tuesday at the Ecuadorian Embassy

The gods were bored; therefore they created human beings. – Soren Kierkegaard

Julian Assange turned from the bulletproof glass.  It was a little foggy out.  Nothing outside  of the normal weather pattern for London.  The haze would burn off around noon, revealing a bustling street where people went about their business.  Walking to bus stops, having soup with their lunches, clutching their hats in the rising wind.

The Ecuadorian Embassy was relatively quiet.  It was some national holiday.  Most of the staff was gone.  His boredom turned him to his smartphone.  It was the only thing that got him through the minutia of daily existence as a political prisoner.  There was no escape at this point from the Ecuadorian Embassy.  He’d just have to bide his time until he was no longer known as an international cyber spy.

He went to check his  “Connection cannot be established,” read the screen.  He glanced at his Wi-Fi signal.  Gone.

“Jorge! The bloody Wi-Fi is down again,” he called out.  “Jorge!”

He sat in a felt wingback chair and looked around the room.  It was still.  The sight hum of the air conditioner kicked on and he felt the artificial breeze on his face.  He lay his head on his hand and thought of times in sunlight.


Total Jokes 10/3

After outbreaks of E.coli, Chipotle is trying to bring back customers by introducing chorizo.  Unfortunately, chorizo is not Spanish for “a strict employee hand washing policy.”

A salesman at Party City reportedly refused to fill a customer’s orders for balloons after he found out they would be used at a police officer’s funeral.  Attendees of the funeral agreed that, without the balloons, it was the least fun police officer’s funeral they’d ever been to.

A Montana man is in the hospital after surviving two different bear attacks while hiking over the weekend.   It was a close call for Tim “Honeypants” Thompson.

Police arrested two Oakland Raiders fans on Sunday after the men brutally assaulted a Baltimore Ravens fan, beating him nearly to death and leaving him in a coma.  Doctors say that because of excessive brain bleeding, the man has less than a 30% chance to live.  Luckily, the men were able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Raiders are indeed, number 1.

A new Cannabis-infused beer will hit shelves later this year.  The beer will be called “Drained Ambition Amber Bock.”


Mistaken Identity

On the previous day [8 Jan 1493], when the Admiral went to the Rio del Oro, he said he quite distinctly saw three mermaids, which rose well out of the sea; but they are not so beautiful as they are said to be, for their faces had some masculine traits. – Voyages of Columbus 218

Admiral Valez (squinting): Come Leonor, we must paddle this skiff at a brisker pace.  I spotted them in that thrush of trees yonder!

Leonor:  Could the legends be true Admiral?  Do the mermaids truly grant a man all of his earthly desires?

Admiral Valez: If the old books are to be read true, then aye.  There!  Do you see?  They’ve poked their heads out of the water to greet us.  They’re beauty has not been falsely described.  Don’t you agree Leonor?

Leonor: They…uh…they look pretty fat from here Admiral.

Admiral Valez (squinting): Nonsense!  These voluptuous creatures will fulfill our inner most desires.  Young maidens!  Please hold there.  We shall come to thee!

Leonor: Uh, are you sure those are mermaids?  They look like they have whiskers.

Admiral Valez: They live in the wild you fool.  What method have they to make themselves up like the whores in Lisbon?

Leonor: Ok, as we’re getting closer, I don’t think those things aren’t mermaids.

Admiral Valez:  Preposterous.

Leonor: No, those are definitely manatees.

Admiral Valez: Call them what you will, but unless you join me in the water, I shall be making love to all three of the lovely ladies of the sea!

Admiral Valez dives in.  20 minutes go by.

Admiral Valez: A hand Leonor. Help your Admiral back into the boat.

Leonor: Well, how was it?

Admiral Valez:  I…I… may need to get my eyes checked.  No regrets or anything, but…yeah…I should definitely see an optometrist or something soon.

This is a real thing….



Recently Released Orca Tearfully Begs to Be Let Back Into Sea World

Astoria, WA – After only spending a month in the waters of the Pacific Ocean, recently freed killer whale, Kikau, pleaded with Sea World administrators to let him back into the aquatic zoo.

“I swear to God, please take me back.  It’s is awful out here!” Kikau wailed.  “I know I complained a lot about there not being enough room in the main tank and about the sardines not being that fresh and the fact that my dorsal fin curled over from depression, but Jesus, sweet Jesus you’ve got to get me out of this ocean!”

Ever since the documentary Blackfish began earning notoriety, zoos and aquariums across the globe have faced mounting pressures from the public urging them to release their aquatic wildlife.  To pacify activists, Sea World conceded to these pressures and, Kikau was released from Sea World in late-August.

“Those idiots have never swam in the Pacific Ocean at night,” Kikau bellowed.  “It’s terrifying and cold and the other whales eat all of my food and there is something slimy and gross always brushing up against me.”




Rick Sebek’s New PBS Doc: “Crack Houses You Will Like”


Pittsburgh, PA – After making a career creating a number of stellar human interest documentaries, Rick Sebak will be adding to his vast filmography with the release of his newest PBS special, Crack Houses You Will Like.  Filmed primarily in the Tri-state area, the lovable documentarian explores the softer side of some of the East Coast’s quaintest drug dens.

“I had done so many documentaries on food and amusement parks” Sebek said during an interview Monday.  “I really felt that I hadn’t explored one of the nation’s favorite pastimes: retreating into the icy claws of hardcore narcotics.”

Perhaps the most memorable segment of the special is when Sebek introduces us to Glenn Spadowski, a 53 year old heroin addict.  Spadowski is a former iron worker who was squatting in a burned out carpet warehouse in Braddock, PA (oddly enough, the warehouse was briefly featured in Sebek’s 1990 documentary Things That Aren’t There Anymore).  In a sleepy-poetic way, Spadowski’s segment reminds us of a simpler time when the stamp bags cost less, the needles were cleaner and the dealers didn’t mind if you “did some there.”

“Glenn Spadowski was a real character!” Sebek said.  “We have some great bonus footage of him trying to steal our audio equipment.  We’ll probably use that for the DVD.”

The documentary is classic Sebek: a light-hearted exploration of small town nostalgia except this time it has more tweakers boof’d out on spank sauce.