Area Man Still Pronounces It “Valentimes” Day


Greensboro, NC – Despite being a fully grown, educated 34 year old adult, local man Kevin Grady still pronounces Valentines Day with an “M” at the end.

“I’d like to make it a very special Valentimes Day,” said Grady, as he surprised his wife with flowers at her office building.  “To be a good husbamd,” he explained, “You just meed to show your lady that there is still that spark of romamce.”


New Encyclopedia Entries: 2/3

Airplane – Complex instrument used by scientists to test the limits of the human immune system.  Airplanes are large aluminum containers which are stuffed with hundreds of people then pumped full of recycled air, teeming with germs and air-borne fecal matter, in the hopes of seeing just how much a person’s body can take without becoming violently ill.  The container is then launched several thousand feet in the air to avoid any ground contamination while experimentation is conducted.
Fedora – Type of men’s hat that you couldn’t pull off in a million years.

Dementia – Necissary mental condition brought on in late-stage adulthood that allows people to face their impending demise in a fragmented, dreamlike state,  rather than peering into the void with terrifying mental clarity.

Necktie – Formal cloth fashion accessory worn by a man to cover his torso seam.

Pittsburgh Penguins, The – Professional sports team which needs to pick up a winger in the offseason.  Owned principally by Ron Burkel and Mario Lemieux, the Penguins are consitently short a scoring left wing and this Hornquist guy… I mean I like his effort, but he just can’t put the puck in the net.  

Poems For Capitalists: Robert Frost

The realm of poetry has for centuries skewed towards socialism.  Whitman, Ginsberg, Cummings and Hughes all have threads of socialist values interwoven in their words.  However, capitalists are humans too.  They think and feel and yearn.  So I have taken the liberty of repurposing old poems and making them more friendly to a capitalist.  As you know, if they succeed on their own merit, then they will thrive.


Mending Wall
Original by Robert Frost

Something there is that doesn’t love a wall,
That something is the free market.
Despite the droning of demagogues,
And the Red Elephant at the podium,
Pounding his fist and shaking his jowels,
These walls should be demolished
Spilling their boulders into the Sun
So that cheap labor can flow freely
Between borders and boundaries.
The immigrant pining for work
is not to be met with hate!
Our neighbors are no different than we,
so we should not allow ourselves scare
from the ideology of fear.
Because they are just people,
People with sons and daughters dreaming.
People who drive real wages down
and make the US more competitive in the
global landscape in manufacturing sector especially.
The new President, surely a socialist dressed in red or blue,
(S)He only says, “Good fences make good neighbours.”
And this is simply not true.


More Poems for Capitalist
AE Houseman