A Stomach’s Frank Conversation with Mountain Dew: KICKSTART

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“Dew. Juice. Electrolytes.  Mountain Dew: KICKSTART is three awesome things combined.  When the day is ending, you’re just getting started.  It’s the great tasting kick when you need it most. “

Stomach:  Dew, I don’t mean to offend you but I’d like to speak directly to Juice and Electrolytes.

Dew: Whatever man.

Stomach: Juice, I just feel like I don’t even know you anymore.  You’re hanging out with the wrong crowd.  It’s bad enough that you snuck alcohol in here last weekend.  But now you’re coming in here with this character.

Dew: Hey man.  I have a name!

Stomach: You’re bad news Dew.  And I don’t want you hanging out with Juice or Electrolytes anymore.

Electrolytes: You can’t talk to our friend like that.

Juice: You of all people have a few too many “friends” for my liking, Electrolytes.  You’re just hooking up with anybody now.  Gatorade.  PediaLyte.  Vitamin Water.  And now you’re with the worst of the worst.

Dew: Cool out bro!

Stomach: I will not cool out!  Last week you were in here, you burnt through my lining and tried to give us diabetes.  Is that…is that Yellow 5 behind your back?

Dew: No.

Stomach: Yes it is!  I told you I don’t want that in my house.  Do whatever you want on your own time, but you’re not ruining my sweet babies.  I want you to get out of here!

Dew: That’s cool.  I’ll be fine man.  Just know that I’ll be back.  I’ll be back when you can’t find a coffee, or are on a long road trip, or just get real nostalgic during the Fourth of July.  I’ll be back.

Juice: I can’t believe you talked like that to our friend!

Electrolytes: We HATE you!

Juice and Electrolytes run off to the small intestine to have their nutrients absorbed.

Stomach: One day you’ll understand…

 

 

 

Stephen A. Smith

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Stephen A. Smith really likes being connected to athletes.  He never misses an opportunity to tell the audience about how he’s good friends with all the Pros.

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Anchor: Welcome back.  Stephen, what did you think about Steph Curry’s play last night?

Stephen A. Smith: Listen, I like Steph Curry.  I know Steph Curry.  I picked him up from the airport one time.  I didn’t even have to.  It just what friends do for each other and we are good friends.

Anchor: Moving on to the NFL, Cam Newton is solidifying himself as a legitimate MVP candidate in 2017.  What’s your assessment?

Stephen A. Smith: Listen, I like Cam Newton.  I know Cam Newton.  He is a dear, dear friend of mine.  I went to his birthday party last year and I bought him this really nice picnic basket set that he had had his eye on for some time.  He casually mentioned it to me in passing several weeks ago but I remember that type of thing because I am a thoughtful person.  Cam was thrilled with the gift.  He wrote me a very nice thank you note.  And he’ll be thrilled when he wins the MVP award next year.

Anchor: Turning to the National Hockey League, Sidney Crosby has extended his points streak to seven games straight.  Is he the hottest player in the NHL right now?

Stephen A. Smith: I am not familiar with this person.

Anchor: He’s a hockey player.

Stephen A. Smith: A what?

Anchor: Hockey.  Like ice hockey.

Stephen A. Smith: I still don’t follow.

Anchor.  Hockey, the game that’s played on ice.

Stephen A. Smith: HAHAHA!  Played on ice….yeah right….  Now that would be something to watch.  People slipping and falling all over the place!

Anchor: You don’t know Sidney Crosby?  He’s make $12 million a year?

Stephen A. Smith: Oh, Sid-ney Crosby.  Yes, I know Sidney Crosby.  I know him intimately.  We are very, very close.

Kevin Stallings Actually in Arizona During Pitt Press Conference, Reports Rich Walsh

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Pittsburgh, PA –  Despite many people observing and interacting with Kevin Stallings at his press conference on Tuesday, WPXI reporter Rich Walsh claims that the new Pitt Basketball Coach was actually in Arizona the whole time.

“I have a reputable source that says they saw a tallish, white, bald man in the Glendale, AZ area at approximately the same time as the scheduled press conference,” Walsh said in a tweet.  “We can now definitely say that Stallings was not in Pittsburgh despite many of you talking to him and shaking hands with him on Pitt’s campus yesterday.”

Top 5 Night-Life Hot Spots in Middle Earth

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Inn of the Prancing Pony – Located in Bree, this hopping spot is the center of the town’s booming horse industry.   Head bartender Barlimur Butterbur has been slinging drinks at the Prancing Pony for 120 years and has more than a few stories to tell.  $5 “You-call-its” on Wednesday and Trivia night on Sundays.

The Golden Stone Tavern – The Great Hall of Nogrod was begging for a cool place for dwarves, orcs, shadow elves and dark-humans to hang.  The tunnel system underneath the Blue Mountains had not been viewed as a destination spot for party goers since the Sacking of Erebor.  However, ex-pat dwarf Noegeth Nygin had a different vision for the caverns his family once called home. He opened Nogrod’s first micro-brewery, The Golden Stone which brews all of their own beers, ales, and meads.  If you’re feeling frisky, try the Golden Stone Ent-Lager.  It is a malted blend with fruity aftertaste that will temporarily allow you to see as the trees do.

REV Ultra Lounge – While quaint bars are fine for everyday imbibing, what about when you want to cut loose and dance?  REV Ultra Lounge is located in the bustling theater block on the edge of Rivendell.  Since this is primarily a club for elves, whose beauty is beyond worldly description, be sure to dress to the nines!  REV pulls in the hottest DJ’s too: DJ Dain Ironfoot, Ghan-buri-Ghan, and DJ Hurin (The Holder of Keys).  The area is typically safe but since it is located in the Misty Mountains, you should be prepared to deal with feral wolves when the club closes for the night.

The Green Dragon – A popular inn near the Bywater in the Shire, the Green Dragon attracts a diverse crowd from both Bywater and nearby Hobbiton.  The Green Dragon is home to house band Finglas and the Firefoots, who bring their brand of bluegrass-rock fusion with hints of classic Hill-Troll twang to the stage.  $2.50 domestic drafts all day, every day.

Cuzzy’s –  This is the perfect Minas Tirath bar. It is a throwback to a time when the city had a thriving shipping industry, before it was razed to the ground by He Who Shall Not Be Named. They sell Beast and PPR cans $2, PPR shotguns $1, 40 oz of Miller High Life, and with $30 you can buy the the entire bar a shot!  Do NOT look into the mirror in the men’s bathroom!  The mirror is actually the haunted shield of Glaurung, the terrestrial dragon king who was slayed at the hand of Turin Tarambar, who owns Cuzzy’s.

 

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New Encyclopedia Entries: 3/23/16

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Penny – Unit of US currency that’s primary purpose now is to kill small children. A penny is worth 1/100th of a US dollar and can be shoved in electrical sockets, stuffed up nostrils and swallowed whole by toddlers.

Jelly Bean – Small bean-shaped candy comprised mostly of artificial flavors, preservatives, and fairy lard.  Parts of fairy carcasses not used in commercial butchery (wings, thorax, or other areas with high amounts of connective tissue) are placed into a large vat and boiled overnight. The remaining fat deposits are separated, wet-packed in paper, then shipped to the different jelly bean manufacturers who then add light flavoring and mold them into small beans.

Phone – Device on which one can get stock quotes, listen to music, record videos, type messages, play video games, check the weather, map out routes, and learn chess. It can sometimes be used to transmit voices, unless it’s your Aunt Barbra again. Then you let that go to voicemail. (See: stock ticker, jukebox, video camera, word processor, arcade machine, newspaper, map, Bobby Fischer).

Dirk – Not a good name for a boy anymore. Maybe it was at some point, but now, man…you’re really digging a hole for that kid.

Cup – Pretty much the same thing as a glass, even though your wife disagrees with you. There is no difference between a cup and a glass because they are both typically stored in a cupboard and both used to drink things. You see?  So they’re the same. There are cups made of glass so I don’t even want to hear the argument that the terms can’t be used interchangeably. When your wife asks if you can get her a glass of water and you serve it to her in a plastic cup, she has no room to argue. That is exactly what she asked for because there is literally no difference between a cup and a glass. There just isn’t. Because. Because I’m the man of this house, damn it!