Brooklyn, NY – This weekend marked the grand opening of a new restaurant which gives pregnant couples a chance to glimpse into their future culinary experiences.
Poubelle from head chef Hector Rawls features fine French Fusion and will encourage patrons to eat their meal right over a garbage can or kitchen sink.
“We wanted to be authentic to the parental experience,” said Chef Rawls. “Our entire restaurant was built to replicate the eating habits of a new parent.”
The menu features everything from a half-assed peanut butter sandwich to a handful of raisins. The restaurant will be open at 6:00 AM until 9:00 PM. Then it will be open again at 12:30 AM and…Christ…here we go again…at 4:12 AM.
As for ambiance, the dining room PA system will play certain sound effects on repeat such as the clattering of something falling onto a tile floor and the sound of a kid softly whining for no damn reason.
Paris, France – French people are defying the terror Isis attempted to wreak in their capital by returning to cafes, bars and bistros like the ones targeted in Friday’s attacks. However, source say that they’re still not going to go to Buffalo Wild Wing’s Paris location.
Thousands of hungry Parisians flocked to the many eateries in the city limits, supporting all local businesses and fellow citizens. Wait times soared at nearly every restaurant, with the exception of the Buffalo Wild Wings, located at the corner of Dauphine and Lussac streets.
Citing that they were all for a show of support, but not willing to sit down and eat an order the Dry Rub Cajun Chicken Wings, the French people spoke clearly with one united voice.
“The terrorists will not disrupt our way of life,” said Parisian Claude Jonagain. “We did not eat at Buffalo Wild Wings before, nor will we eat there now.”
It’s Fall and I’m sure you noticed that there is a nip in the air that wasn’t there before. Here are some helpful tips on how to keep warm in your house this Winter…
- Leave Your Space Heater On Indefinitely – It’s nearly impossible to tell when Jack Frost might come nipping at your nose, so why not leave that ceramic space heater on just in case? Space heaters are typically most effective when left near thin drapes or on stacks of old newspapers.
- Jog in Place Constantly – Nothing beats the chill of winter like working up a nice sweat. When the temperature outside dips below 40 degrees, try jogging in place at all times. Switch between high-knees, hit-its, and burpees for some variety. Don’t drink any water though. Because ONLY LOSERS NEED WATER!
- Keep a Canister of Mace Handy – Home improvement contractors for ages have used the adage “Any heat is good heat.” Following their advice, don’t discount the extra jolt of chemical warmth a short burst of pepper spray to the face can give you. You’ll forget all about how chilly it is when you’re rinsing your eyes out in the bathtub.
- Ensnare the Sun God, Helios – Easily the highest risk for the highest reward here, but if you can devise a way to trick the ancient deity (he likes horses oddly enough) and trap him in some sort of enchanted jar or other transparent conductive container, you will be able to pleasantly warm your house for eternity. Editors Note: You should consult the Oracle at Delphi and your local township building code before doing this.
- Climb Inside a Freshly Killed Bison Carcass – Typically used as a temporary solution as the animals innards grow cold in a matter of minutes, but it’s effective when you’re in a pinch and don’t want to turn the thermostat up any more. Disposal can be challenging as most municipalities limit trash collection to one bison per household.
Boulder, CO – Insisting that he still had “a couple of good ones”, CNBC Republican Debate Moderator Carl Quintanilla asked a series of scathing questions to the man ringing him up at an area Trader Joe’s. In the wake of his broadcast team’s embarrassing treatment of an important political event, Quintanilla berated the cashier with thinly-veiled criticisms disguised as thought-provoking questions.
“I was just asking him how he was enjoying Colorado,” the cashier explained. “He then started grilling me about a time when I missed payment on a Comcast bill and how I could be expected to ring him up correctly when I clearly wasn’t in control of my own life. Then when I tried to respond, but he just kept saying ‘You’re out of time.'”
Admitting that he didn’t “get Rubio” like he thought he would, Quintanilla fired question after question at the cashier with topics ranging from the man’s divorce to his personal finance record.
“At one point all the customers waiting in line behind him were booing,” the man continued. “He still didn’t get the clue though.”