Total Jokes 7/28/15

+ The Arizona Cardinals have hired Jen Welter as an Inside Linebacker Coaching intern, a big step for workplace equality in the NFL.  As the first female coach in pro football history, Jen will not be getting paid 75% of what her male counterparts make.  Since she’s an intern, she won’t be getting paid at all.

+ Welter earned her undergraduate at Boston College, then earned a Master’s degree, then went on to earn a Doctoral degree in sports psychology.   Welter is hoping inspire future generations of women who want student loan payments until they’re 62.

+ German car company Volkswagen is now the world’s most dominant car manufacturer.  Volkswagen accomplished this by first invading the Polish auto market, then occupying Denmark and Norway’s roads with affordable Passats.  Then they started dropping Jetta’s on Great Britain day and night for several weeks.  Then the French just let them waltz right in…

+ A new study revealed that CEO’s for large companies like Wal-Mart and Starbucks make an average of almost $6,000/hr.  So go ahead workers, take a couple pens home with you.

7 Facts About Managing God Damn Millennials

7 Facts About Managing God Damn Millennials 
by a Crotchety Old Man

Millennials are the group of people born between 1980 and 2000.  They have been entering the workforce and will soon become a driving force in our economy which is scary because they don’t know nothing about nothing.  Here are some tips to managing the worst generation that the world has ever seen as they become part of your company.

1) They love working in a team environment. –  Millennials like having a lot of people working on the same project because they like diffusing as much responsibility as possible.  This is because their adoring parents never held them personally accountable for anything.  Rick’s daughter actually tried to go with her son to his job interview at Dairy Queen.  Can you believe that?  So, I don’t know, put them in a group for all I care…

2) They like constant praise. – Guess what?  You aren’t going to get a trophy for everything.  Sometimes you can’t cut it and that’s that.  You deal with it and move on.  No one is going to come swooping in to save you.  Give me a break…

3) They expect to be promoted quickly. – Let me tell you something. Do you know how long it took me to get where I am?  Twenty-five years.  And I made plenty of mistakes along the way.  That’s how you learn.  You don’t learn from an app or from Khan Academy.  You learn by doing.  You start at the bottom and you learn the business inside and out.  You can’t just quit a job every two years because you weren’t promoted to Senior Vice-President of Websites or whatever.

3) They’re technologically inclined. –  Tell me about it!  Janice and I went to the mall last night and we see all these kids walking around and no one is even talking to each other.  They’ve all got square-eyes from staring at their phone.  Is Angry Birds more interesting than real life?  Kids don’t even look at the windows of cars anymore.  There’s a whole world out there you know…

4) They’re passionate about the environment. – Millennials just love nature.  But when I asked my nephew if he wanted to go bow hunting last year you would have thought I asked him to speak Chinese. Stick a god damn recycling can at the front of the building and watch them go bananas over it like they’re saving the world.

5) They’re not fueled by money. –  Because they’re idiots and we should just all share everything like a bunch of morons, right?  Would it be great if we could just take care of our basic needs and help out our fellow man?  Yes.  But if you think  your neighbor’s going to come over and offer you a bowl of soup when the stock market collapses, then you’re outta your mind.  The world just doesn’t work like that.  I wish it did.  But it doesn’t.

6) They want a work-life balance. – Millennials don’t want to work all the time because they’re lazy.  My grandfather worked in a steel mill in homestead in the late 1800’s.  He worked 16 hours per day, 6 days a week and only had half of every other Sunday off.  That’s when men were men.  Now I’m not saying we need to go back to that.  When I missed Andy’s homecoming dance because I was in Toledo for that trade show…well Janice and I got into a big scrap and she said something to the effect of “What’s the point of being a parent when you’re never even there?”  That…that stuck with me.

7) They like to have fun at work. – I was at that tech start-up downtown a few years ago.  I was trying to sell them a new line of telecom solutions.  This is back when I was with Comcast for those few months. The company designs websites or something. Their office was absurd.  My grandfather would be rolling over in his grave if he saw this place.  Everyone was in jeans and t-shirts.  There was a ping-pong table set up in the break room.  People looked like they were having a blast.  The office manager was some young kid, probably your son’s age, and…he was actually a really sharp guy.  Good handshake.  Looked me right in the eye.  He seemed like he was having fun too.  The whole environment did seem…nice…you know?

World’s First: Sarcastic Person

I love pioneers.  I love thinking about the fact that there had to be a first person to do something.  I’ve talked about the World’s First Garbage Can Salesman and the first person to Rhyme.  Here’s another one…

The year is 500 BC.  A number of cities have sprung up in Preten Basin in modern day Guatemala, creating societies and agriculture and jobs.  IXCHEL is a Mayan laborer.  She is not happy in her job and has finally had enough of her supervisor, AAPO.

AAPO: What is this large pile of recently sacrificed corpses still doing sitting here?  Ixchel, what has happened?  I told you to move these bodies from the base of temple.

IXCHEL: I’m swamped.  I’m trying as best I can to speed up my process, but Quetzl was using my wheelbarrow.

AAPO: Well, you need to get these bodies moved.  Remember we have a big ceremonial sacrifice tomorrow and I’d like the place to look tidy.  The Gods must have their thirst slaked by spilled blood.

IXCHEL: Gee golly, Aapo.   I’d sure would like to spend as much time as possible with this rotting, rancid heap of corpses.  I must have plumb forgot to do my job!

AAPO (confused):  Well please remember next time.

IXCHEL: I didn’t actually forget, you dope.

AAPO:  Oh, then why did you say you had forgotten?

IXCHEL: I’m not sure.  I said it one way but I meant the exact opposite.   That’s never happened before.

AAPO: Why would you have not just said what you meant?

IXCHEL: Because I feel as though you are treating me like an idiot.  Therefore, I wanted to try to make it obvious that I was displeased and at the same time try to make you feel stupid for pointing out something that would be clear to any person of normal intelligence.

AAPO: Women are vexing. This does not make sense to me.  Now get back to work.

IXCHEL: Oh yes sir!  Is there anything else I can do you you, Divine King!

AAPO: You should not address me as that because I am not K’ak’ Tiliw Chan Yopaat of Quiriguá, the true lord.

IXCHEL: I know you’re not K’ak’ Tiliw Chan Yopaat of Quiriguá.  Duh!

AAPO: This is confusing.

IXCHEL: I’m so surprised you don’t understand.  After all, you are the smartest person in all of Tikal!

AAPO: Well…thank you…I suppose.

IXCHEL: Well, I guess I’ll get back to work at my favorite job in the world.  I just can’t wait to get my hands covered in bacteria-infested viscera so you can take all the credit.

AAPO: That’s the spirit!

The Roast of Batman Recap

John Dick Winters put together a great show at Club Cafe where several comedians got into character for a Roast of Batman.  Here are some of my jokes I used as the Riddler…

Batman Roast 2

Bane played by John Dick Winters

Dude, Bane was a monster back in the day.  You were a beast!  Remember when we almost took States in Football?  What the hell happened?  You’re so fat.  You look like you replaced your steroid serum with honey mustard.

What’s up with you know?  You’re all philosophical.  You’re quoting Stalin.  I remember you back when you were in that Batman and Robin movie and you were kind of a huge idiot.  What happened?  Did you enroll in the University of Phoenix online?

You’re part of the league of shadows, right?  The league of shadows.  You’re so fat it’s more like the league of lunar eclipses.

Two-Face played by Ian Insect

God Billy Dee.  You’ve really changed.  You used to be a suave dude.  Now you look like a Penny Marshall fell asleep in a tanning bed.

Two-face always says, “You either die the hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”  There’s a third option called “You’re actually just a jerk and no one really liked you to begin with.”

Commissioner Gordon  played by James Hamilton

You have a wife but Batman is definitely your side piece.  Why else would you get him his own special little red phone that only connects to your number?

Mr. Freeze played by Shannon Norman

Mr. Freeze has his wallet permanently frozen shut.  This guy invites me to lunch to talk about some dumb scam he was going try and pull, like he wanted to blow up a zoo so the whole town terrorized by mean peacocks or some shit.  So we go to lunch and it was a nice restaurant.  We sit down and he says, “You gotta get this drink they make here.” it was like a Mai Thai or something.  I say I don’t want a drink but he insists.  So I get one.  It’s like $14.  Comes time to order the food, I say I just want a chicken sandwich and a fruit cup.   That’s all I wanted.  I was on the South Beach Diet. He makes this big deal to the waiter and like says, “You can get a chicken sandwich anywhere!  When you come here you get the roast lamb” or whatever the hell it was.  I don’t want something that heavy because it’s like noon and I’m not ready for that and it’s like the most expensive thing on the menu.  But I order it anyway because I’m like embarrassed at this point.  So the meal was good and the waiter asks how we want the check and Freeze says “Just one.”  So the bill comes and surprise surprise, he’s like “I lost my wallet fighting Nightwing like two days earlier.”  So now I have to pay.  Then he get’s up from the table and says, “Ice to see you.”  And I’m like WTF just happened?

Superman played by Travis Walling

What’s up nerd?  Why don’t you fly around the world so we can go back in time and make sure the movie Superman Returns was never made.  “Ooh…a movie about Superman where he doesn’t punch anything.  Call Harvey Weinstein!”

You look so weak and gaunt.  You look like you’ve been freebasing kryptonite.

The Penguin played by Derek Minto

What is your super power?  You just eat fish all the time?

You’re supposed to be a crime boss but all you eat is fish.  What are you, the Cod Father?

You’re so ugly.  I can fix that though.  I know a great plastic sturgeon.

That joke always krills.

Alright alright I’ll let you off the hook.

Joker played by Alex Stypula

You know what’s really hilarious?  You have to wear make up.  What brand is that Sephora?  Bare Minerals?  When you run out do you have to stage a heist at Macy’s?

Batman played by Ray Zawodni

Here’s a riddle: what’s white and red and burnt all over?  Robin after Nelly-bones beat him to death with a crowbar and blew him up with a firebomb.  It’s funny because it’s your fault.

Your main weapon is a boomerang.  That’s got to be really effective nowadays.  Are there a lot of kangaroos committing bank robberies?

People call you the world’s greatest detective.  It must be really hard to figure out who used an ice gun to freeze Gotham’s water supply.  Hmm…who could that have been?  I just don’t know.  Slueth of the century over here.

Why does everyone call you “the batman?”  That’s really annoying.  It’s like my one buddy.  He went to Ohio State.  He was a Theta.  He’s always like “the” Ohio State University.  Super-annoying.

You’re really fat.  You look like that dude Newman from Seinfeld.  You’re like the Dark Wayne Knight.

You know that Giant Penny that he keeps in the Batcave?  He got that cause he thought it was full of Easter chocolate.

What’s in your utility belt dude, Kraft Singles?

You’ve got Bat-man boobs.

Anthony Bourdain SLAMS Your Mom’s Three-Cheese Lasagna

Atlanta, GA – Anthony Bourdain has never been one to hold back on his criticisms of other culinary figures including Guy Fieri, Paula Deen and Adam Richman.  Now the sharp-tongued raconteur has finally turned his sights to your Mom.

Calling her Three-Cheese Lasagna “bland as f—,” the famous chef and adventurer slammed your Mom’s cooking prowess during an interview with Atlanta Magazine.  “The woman has absolutely no imagination,” he went on to say.  “Her noodles are overcooked and the sauce could have been thrown together by some drunken sophomore at Ohio State.  She has consistently shown that she doesn’t belong near an oven unless she’s going to turn on the gas and put her head inside.”

Bourdain’s diatribe went on to blast your Grandma’s Waldorf salad saying, “Mayonnaise is supposed to be the dressing, not the f—ing main ingredient,” and referred to your Uncle Robbie’s hamburgers as “the reason why the rest of the world hates America.”

Sources say Bourdain is constantly agitated due to the stresses of being a TV host who is forced to travel on an expense account to exotic foreign locations and meet interesting people, all while sampling the finest food and alcohol and getting paid handsomely for it.