Report: Jared Kushner Failed to Disclose He Was Sith Lord During Election Campaign

Washington D.C. – Democrats are furious this week after an FBI probe revealed that Jared Kushner is a member of an ancient monastic organization of evil Force users.

“The conflict of interest in this situation is deeply troubling,” said Rep. Ted Lieu (D-CA).  “We can have no way of knowing if this Administration has been infected by the ways of the Sith.  Or if they are secretly steering US policy.”

It appears that problems with Kushner’s affiliation is not a partisan issue either.  A growing number of Republicans are interested in sniffing out Kushner’s ties.  “I’m not saying he did anything wrong,” said Senator John Thune (R-SD).  “However, I think it’s at least important the American people know if the President has, in fact, been under some kind of Force-driven mind control.  We’re all owed that.”

The FBI retrieved a number of suspicious tax documents for Kushner Companies, the real-estate-holding company of which Kushner serves as CEO.   The documents show that from 1999-2015, Kushner signed his checks “Darth Sindar”.  This has two grave implications.  First, with a title like Darth, we can assume that Kushner is not just affiliated with the Sith, but in fact a Sith Lord and master of the Dark Ways.  Second, and perhaps more disturbing, since it is the law of the Sith that for every master, there must be a student, one could safely assume that there is another Sith planted in a different branch of the government.

Kushner could not be reached for reply.

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“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continual lying to other men and to himself. The man who lies to himself can be more easily offended than anyone. You know it is sometimes very pleasant to take offense, isn’t it? A man may know that nobody has insulted him, but that he has invented the insult for himself, has lied and exaggerated to make it picturesque, has caught at a word and made a mountain out of a molehill- he knows that himself, yet he will be the first to take offence, and will revel in his resentment till he feels great pleasure in it, and so pass to genuine vindictiveness. But get up, sit down, I beg you. All this, too, is deceitful posturing….”

“Blessed man! Give me your hand to kiss.”

Fyodor Pavlovitch skipped up, and imprinted a rapid kiss on the elder’s thin hand. “It is, it is pleasant to take offence. You said that so well, as I never heard it before. Yes, I have been all my life taking offence, to please myself, taking offence on aesthetic grounds, for it is not so much pleasant as distinguished sometimes to be insulted- that you had forgotten, great elder, it is distinguished! I shall make a note of that. But I have been lying, lying positively my whole life long, every day and hour of it. Of a truth, I am a lie, and the father of lies. Though I believe I am not the father of lies.

Total Jokes 10/16/17

 

  • A nutritional study in India has revealed that 40% of children are under-nourished while 33% are obese.  Bad news for Indian health policy makers; terrible news for Indian see-saw salesmen.

 

  • Jenniffer Gonzalez-Colon, Congressional Representative for Puerto Rico has said that President Trump has given, “Everything we asked of him.”  This is not the first time Trump has said, “See? She was asking for it!”

 

  • Scientists report that two neutron stars have collided resulting in the creation of gamma rays and heavy elements like gold.  In a related note, scientists are happy to also report the sighting of an Intergalactic Hulk Pimp.

 

  • A 15 year old, one-legged water polo player is on the verge of leading his team to another State Championship in Michigan.  Meanwhile, I got sad when it was rainy yesterday.

 

  • Colin Kaepernick has accused the NFL owners of colluding to keep him out of the league.  NFL owners have said that they were not colluding but just playing Contain.

“The Magnitogorsk Candidate”

After the Penguins Stanley Cup Event at the White House, President Donald Trump is sitting on a out of the way couch in the Press Room.  Staffers and athlete’s mill about taking pictures, making phone calls.  The President seems foggy.  Melania sits by his side.

Melania: Are you all right, dear?  You had horrible nightmares last night.

Trump: I had that dream again.  The one where I was in a Russian grain silo.  The one where I did horrible things.   And I remember lights.  Or maybe I dreamt the lights….like an operating room.  Shining down on me.

Melania: It was just a dream, darling.

Trump: It…it felt or…I suppose it feels…real.  Like swimming in and out of memories.  And the wires and the lights.  The nightmare…I’ve lived it so many times.  I know it so well.  Have I…have I… done horrible things?

Melania: Oh, my sweet one.  We’ve all done horrible things.

Melania nods to Evgeni Malkin.  The Penguins Center moves effortlessly across the room, shaking hands and smiling along the way.  He sits down next to Trump.  Melania stands and attends to the guests.  The loud din of the room masks their conversation.

Malkin: President Trump?

Trump: Yes?

Malkin: President Donald Trump?

Trump: Uh-huh.

Malkin: President Donald J. Trump?

Trump: …yes.

Malkin: Listen.

Trump’s eyes turn vacant.  His shoulders go slack.

Malkin: Now then.  The plan to bring about the downfall of the American Presidency is coming along nicely  However, there is still work to do, comrade.

Trump: Yes, ma’am.

Malkin:  By then end of the week you must tell the American public that Christopher Columbus was a great man and should be honored or else they’ll be put in jail.  You’ll tell Chinese President Xi Xiping to “keep your bitch in check” after Kim Jong Un test fires another missile.   Finally, tweet something hurtful about Taylor Swift.  That should gut any remaining support in the heartland.

Trump: Yes, ma’am.

Malkin:  We’re almost there, comrade.  родном углу всё по нутру.

Trump: I don’t remember you.  Are we friends?  I’d like to believe that we’re friends.

Malkin: Of course we are.

Trump smiles.

Malkin: When you smile… oh darling, when you smile, that’s what I live for. When you smile.  Now then, you may go ahead an play a little solitaire.

Malkin stands up and walks back over to his teammates.  Trump sits alone, flipping imaginary cards onto a coffee table.