Party on Darth: The Star Wars Roast of Vader

In past weeks, I had been devoting my time to writing jokes for the Roast of Darth Vader, held on May the 4th at the Arcade Comedy Theater.  As the premier sandy-haired, whiny protagonist of the Pittsburgh Comedy scene, I was given the role of Luke Skywalker.  Since my mental faculties have been held hostage by this event, I will share the fruits of my labors.  The following Roast Jokes are from the perspective of Luke:

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Princess Leia – Amanda Averell

  • Everyone always gives me crap about being initially attracted to Leia.  I’m a radicalized, religious zealot that lives in a desert.  Inbreeding is kind of par for the course.  And if you were my first cousin, you better believe I would have just gone for it.  

 

  • I killed 300,000 Imperial employees with one proton torpedo.  I’m like the Timothy McVeigh of space.  You think I’m going to draw some moral line at nailing my sister?

 

Jawa – Alex Stypula

  • OK so real quick funny story about this Jawa and me.  One day I’m out at the Tosche Station trying to pick up some power converters.  I run into this son of bitch out there and we get to talking.  He says to me he says, Luke, God Damn it I’m thirsty, let’s go grab a drink at the Cantina.  And I didn’t have shit to do the rest of the the day so I agree.  We go there around 2:30 in the afternoon.  Well one drink turns into 2 turns into 3 turns into 12 and the next thing you know I’m climbing in my T-16 and I’m hammered.  Well this guy is outside saying, “Luke you’re too drunk to drive through Beggar’s Canyon.”  And like pleading with me to not drive.  I said to him, I said “Listen, weiner get in and I’ll show you what I can do.”  So he get’s in and we are cruising through the Tattoine desert.  I mean I definitely shouldn’t have been driving and I know this sounds like kind of a scumbag thing to say, but I’m actually a really good drunk driver.  So we’re cruising, having a good time, listening to some Hootie and the Blowfish (yeah that’s how popular that one album is, it made it all the way back in time and to a galaxy far, far away.  That song hold my hand has special meaning for me now).  I see all these little Wamprats scattering all over the place as I’m flying, these little brown things with beady eyes.  So I start blasting them.  I’m drunk as all hell and I’m bulls-eying these Wamprats at 400 meters.  I pulled over to be like “You see this dude!?” (“Hold my bionic hand!  I want you to hold my bionic hand!) and this bastard’s been like asleep the whole time.  So I pass out too.   I wake up the next morning.  Just piles of dead Jawas.  Mounds of dead, charred bodies of literally hundreds of jawa corpses.   I guess I thought they were wamprats and man, I did a number on them.  Luckily this guy is so twisted, you are twisted buddy.  He thought it was pretty funny.  We still cool?

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C3PO – John Dick Winters 

  • The odds of you telling a good joke tonight were approximately 9347 to one!

 

  • I don’t get it.  You speak over 6 million languages but for your speaking voice you settled on foppish English Dandy?  Isn’t there like a Jason Statham setting on you or something?

 

  • How does it feel being the Bert to R2’s Ernie?  

 

  • When we arrived on Endor, the Ewok’s thought you were some kind of deity so they hoisted you up and carried you everywhere.  After that, they probably thought you were the God of Lower Back Pain.

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Chewy – Will Ness

  • A lot of people don’t know Chewy’s backstory so I may as well tell it.  Chewy was walking along the forest of Kysshyk one day, big hairy ape that he is.  Suddenly, John Lithgow hits him with a car.  Lithgow straps Chewie to the top of the roof and takes him home.  His family falls in love with him but the town is scared of him.  Eventually everyone finds out that Lithgow is alien who traveled to Earth, or as he calls it the Third Rock From the Sun.  Chewie tries to escape.  Yada, yada, yada, French Stewart.  Yada, yada, yada.  Chewie saw an ad asking to do work for a “Han Solo” and he just figured it was a happy ending type thing.  

 

Obi-Wan – James J. Hamilton

  • Nice to see you again.  Last time I saw you you were just a pile of robes on the floor of the Death Star.

 

  • I used to think you were such a great Jedi.  That is until I saw you fight Vader on the Death Star.  I remember most of what you taught me on Tatooine. Not really recalling you ever showing me the “Let Darth Vader cut your head off eithin the first minute of fighting him” maneuver.  Or was that too advanced for me at the time.  

 

  • You’re a great eye for talent too.  You thought Anakin Skywalker was going to be the chosen one for the Jedi.  That worked out great.  You could get a job writing scouting reports for the Cleveland Browns.  I heard Johnny Manziel’s midichlorian count is bannanas.  

 

  • Then again, it’s really the Jedi Council’s fault.  You should never trust a man with a side rat-tail.  

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Boba Fett – Derek Minto

 

  • You’re so fat, after eating you, the Sarlacc Pit had to go on Lipitor.

 

  • He’s supposed to be the most sophisticated bounty hunter in the solar system and you know what his main weapon is?  A rope with a hook on it.  Other people are shooting lasers, bending space-time to travel, and here you are the most feared man in the universe, using a rope with a hook on it.  Beware legendary bounty hunter Boba Fett.  He is cunning.  He is ruthless and if you’re not careful he might shoot a rope out that has a hook on the end of it.  And then you’ll be all tangled up you know, with all that rope.  You’ll try to struggle but boy oh boy, you’ll find that the rope is pretty strong you know…as far as ropes go and all.

 

  • You named your ship the Slave I.  Something tells me that that’s also your username on Grinder.

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The Emperor – Dave Ranallo 

  • You’re a hatchet faced, power monger who tried to use a Senate seat to usurp power and become the evil supreme ruler of the known universe and ultimately failed.  Have you sued Hillary Clinton for copyright infringement yet?

 

  • You’re looking a little chubby too since last I saw you.  What was at the bottom of that Death Star Reactor Shaft?  A Ponderosa?

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Finn – Ian McIntosh

  • I don’t get it.  You’re a StormTrooper, which means you’re a clone of Jango Fett, but you’re black.  Did Lando Calrissian make love to an Imperial test tube somewhere?

 

Darth Vader – Alex Homyak

 

  • Why are we even Roasting you?  I thought we already did that at the end of Return of the Jedi.  

 

  • And he is evil.  I mean…not repeal everyone’s healthcare evil, but you know…still bad.  

 

  • Dad went after the older women.  When my mom Padme and dad finally started hooking up she was 23 and he was still a minor..  Are you sure you studied at the Jedi Council and not Plum High School?

Inside the Offices of Raytheon

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After the US launched Tomahawk missiles at Syrian targets, Raytheon’s stock jumped  up $2.25.

Raytheon Employee #1: Hey, did you hear!  Assad used Sarin gas on children!  At least 10 dead!  The US is launching a counterstrike tonight…with Raytheon Tomahawk missiles!

Raytheon Employee #2: Wow!  That’s great!  What are you going to do with your quarterly bonus check?

Raytheon Employee #1: Jeez…I don’t know.  Maybe new towels?

Josef Mengele’s Original Thesis Review

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In 1938 a young Josef Mengele earned his medical degree from Frankfurt University.  As all doctoral candidates must do, he had to defend a thesis.  

Professor #1: Guten Abend Herr Mengele.  Myself and the rest of the board are excited to review your thesis.  You’ve been an exceptional student thus far and I have no doubt that your scholastic insights will be well presented.

Josef Mengele: You speak such kind words Professor.  Thank you for them.  As you remember, I have studied genetics at length.

Professor #2: Yes.  Your work on the genetics of cleft palates has been exemplary.

Josef Mengele: I chose to go a different route for my doctoral dissertation.  I didn’t want to be a one trick pony, so to speak.  I instead shifted to physiology.  I have titled my thesis: Inducing Gangrene Through Metallic Compression Clamps on Live Human Subjects.

Professor #1: Uh…I must have misheard you Herr Mengele.

Josef Mengele: Yes, and the findings that I had were quite revolutionary.  My thesis looked to prove the theory that if you put people’s arms in steel vices, they will turn gangrene and rot.

Professor #1: Hold up…wait, back up…are you serious with that thesis?  Live human subjects?

Josef Mengele: What’s the problem?

Professor #2: Where did you even get live human subjects from?

Josef Mengele: I have a guy.

Professor #1: You have a guy?

Josef Mengele: Yes.

Professor #1: You have a guy who can get you live human subjects to experiment on?

Josef Mengele: Yes.  Doesn’t everyone?

Professor #1: I think we need to adjourn this immediately.  I’m seeing some major red flags here.  If you see something, say something.  Well I’m seeing something right here.  You’re a sick little puppy.  Well, good thing there’s no room for twisted freaks like you here in the science community in Germany.

Professor #2: Now, now.  Let’s not be hasty.  Let’s hear the lad out.  In science they always say, you can’t make a Kartoffelpfannkuchen with out breaking a few eggs.  I’m curious about the results.

Professor #1:  You’re becoming more curious about how wrenching a living person’s arm in a steel vice will affect the development of gangrene causing their arm to rot?

Professor #2: You’re not?

Professor #1: Ok, time to move to Poland.

“This is Us” Creator Hints That Tonight’s Finale Will Feature a Mass Genocide

 

NBC’s weekly tear-jerker “This is Us” will be airing its season finale tonight and creator Dan Fogelman says to prepare for the worst.  “In one season we tapped the well in terms of tragic life events.  Someone died from cancer, there was a heart attack, a suicide attempt, a nervous breakdown, a drunk driving death,” Fogelman said.  “So we thought to ourselves ‘How can we go bigger?'”

Fogelman is staying mum on the story arc but a source close to the writer’s room said viewers should ready themselves tonight for “a grim genocide.”  Details are scarce at this point but the source believes that since viewers of the show have numbed themselves to the stark heartbreak packed into each and every episode, Fogelman and team have decided to serve up a “sweeping scythe of cold death” in order to elicit any type of emotion.

Some fans of the show have already hatched their own theories.  One fan tweeted that “Milo Ventimiglia’s car is full of fertilizer bombs and he’s driving it to a Native American Reserve.”  Other fans believe that the character of Randall, played expertly by Sterling K. Brown, will go on a race-fueled poisoning spree after he quit his lucrative job last episode.

Fogelman didn’t deny it when asked directly.

“We’ll just have to see,” he shrugged.

 

World’s First: Lady Who Figured Out That Massaging Kale Made it Taste Better

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As we all know, Kale is a disgusting, vile, abomination put here on Earth by a cruel and unyielding god.  In 1989, a neglected housewife, DEBRA, chose not to accept the bitter taste.  And like all great paradigm shifts, this one was driven by passion.  We join DEBRA as she welcomes home her emotionally disconnected husband, SCOTT, after he returns from a dreary day of work at an mid-sized accounting firm.  

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DEBRA: Hi baby!  How was work today?

SCOTT: Fine.  Where’s the newspaper?

DEBRA: It’s in the living room.  We’re going to have a nice healthy dinner tonight. I have some red-meat, some rice and some kale.  This new diet is tough but I want to get back in bathing-suit shape for you.

SCOTT: Hmm.  Not really a fan of that kale stuff.  You said the paper’s in the living room?

DEBRA: Yes, but why don’t you stay in here with me as I cook?  Keep me some company.  I get so lonely here all day.

She flutters her eyes and kisses him on the neck.  The gesture is lost on him.  

SCOTT: I heard on the radio that we’re sending troops into Panama.  I wanted to see if there was any more news about that.

DEBRA: I heard a something on the radio too.  It was that Milli Vanilli song.  “Girl you know it’s true!”  That song just gets me excited.  Does it excite you?

She plays with her hair, twisting it around her index finger.

SCOTT: Eh.  Not really my cup of tea.  Let me know when dinner’s ready.

He walks into the living room, leaving her alone again.  DEBRA’s neck remains un-kissed.  Her shoulders remain un-embraced.  Her hands remain un-held.  She is a part of the kitchen.  An appliance or a foodstuff.  Her only company is the roast in the oven, the Minute Rice on the stove, and a colander full of un-washed Kale.  She turns the faucet on and begins to rinse the leafy greens. Yet like the oven at 350 degrees, there is a radiant heat inside.  

The cold water rushes over her hands and she feels a tear fall from her eye and into the sink to be swept away.  Yet the kale remains.  The kale has invited her.  The hair on her arms stands up as the icy water cascades over her forearms, wrists and hand.  She begins to wash with no purpose.  Yet as she scrubs the vegetable, she finds  her hands moving rhythmically in and out of the moist folds of the leafy green.  She applies pressure and relieves it.  She teases it, fluttering her fingers toward the edges of  the edges of the iron-rich food..  Minutes pass without a sound.  The kale seems to react and moves like silk under the kneading.  It softens and opens and sweetens, receiving her digits.  She inhales deeply.   DEBRA closes her eyes.  

SCOTT: Is dinner ready yet!?

DEBRA: Almost there!