Corey Schwepp’s Tips for a Happy Wife During Pregnancy

Ed. Note – Corey Schwepp is a contributor to this website.  He has been a trusted resource for navigating parenthood. 

Being a new dad can be difficult. Your main role in this new family dynamic is to support the woman bearing your child.  Here are some tips on how to keep your wife happy during her pregnancy:

– Volunteer to get the groceries, do the laundry, etc.  Even if it’s just cooking a simple meal, every little bit helps!

– Make time to listen.  As a partner, you need to be there so she can vent about her fears and frustrations of the gigantic change that will be coming soon.

– Compliment constantly.  Her body is going through tremendous changes.  Remember to tell her that every part of her is beautiful.  Especially her feet.

– Muscles get sore during pregnancy.  Especially feet muscles.  Did you know the foot alone has over 37 muscles?  Give her a nice long foot rub when she gets home from work or in the middle of the night.

– Time is going to fly by so take pictures of her feet now when her ankles are at their peak circumference.  You’ll be able to look back on those photos one day and really enjoy them.

– Babies can be expensive.  Start a side business to bring in some extra revenue.  Maybe start a website where people can post pictures of their wives feet in high heeled shoes or strappy sandals or just standing in a puddle of water or something. Believe me…there is a market for that type of thing.

– Your love life will change in unexpected ways.  Try something new!  You’ll never know what might tickle your fancy.

Total Jokes: 5/15/15

  • Two employees at a funeral home stopped at a Dunkin’ Donuts before delivering a veteran’s body to his funeral.  Sources say that the employees typically take their coffee with creamation.
  • Actress Cate Blanchett told reporters that over the years she has had many female lovers.  “Me too. Guys…I have too.  Guys!  Hello?  Why is no one listening to me?“ said Tom Cruise.
  • An Oklahoma Man has plead guilty to first degree manslaughter after giving an atomic wedgie that asphyxiated and killed his step-father.  The man is also wanted in connection with several Purple Nurple related assaults.
  • A 19-year-old was elected as Mayor in Indian Head, Maryland.  First official order of business: reducing the drinking age to 19.
  • Olympic Sprinter Tyson Gay has been stripped of his silver medal after testing positive for PED’s.  Officials knew something was up shortly after Gay placed 3rd in the Kentucky Derby.

Top 6 Annoying Alien Torture Implements Used on Me in the Past 16 Months

6) Tragladamorfian Timbersnips – The Tragladamorfians are of course known for being a race of sentient plants.  The Timbersnips were invented initially to be used by the male version of the species to prune themselves in gender-specific areas where overgrowth might occur.  Well someone got the bright idea to use them on me one weekend and they definitely smart.

5) Neural Spacer – It’s sort of a gun that shoots Alzheimer’s at you.  Not terrible because you forget most of what happened but the worst is that you can actually feel the memories being torn from your brain.  Then they stuff them back in…hard.

4) King Trispon’s Flamesnap – King Tripson’s reputation was that he was the cool dictator of the Keywork, a network of planets held together by a strange energy field.  I thought he was pretty cool too.  That is until he shut the door to the Chamber of Shadows and ignited his Flamesnap.  How do I describe it?  Well, it’s basically a ball of molten lead attached to a vibrating razor wire.  He walloped me a few times and all of the sudden he didn’t seem so cool anymore.

3) The Never-Ending Spiral – I’ll give you one guess where they insert the Never-Ending Spiral…

2) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – This almost made it to number one.  People on Earth make you sit down and talk about past insecurities and embarrassments, rehashing deeply buried wounds over and over again until they’ve grown numb on the inside.  It’s insanely masochistic.  They pay a detached and unflinching person to ask them hurtful questions that open up memories of pain and anguish and confusion.  I’ll take the neural spacer over this any day.

1) That Red Thing – Dude, that Red Thing…What the heck is even the point of that thing?

Total Jokes: 5/12/2015

  • For their role in “Deflate-gate”, the New England Patriots have been fined $1 million dollars or as owner Robert Kraft calls it, “My Dry Cleaning Bill.”
  • Telecom giant Verizon said Tuesday it will acquire AOL in a deal valued at approximately $4.4 billion.  The deal will include the transfer of AOL’s real estate, physical plants and over 20 billion Free Trial CD-Roms.
  • Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush recently said that given what we know now, he still would have invaded Iraq in 2001.  Citizens of United States recently said that given what they know now, they would never vote for Jeb Bush.
  • Police in Mt. Morris, New York apprehended a burglar on Sunday by following a trail of macaroni salad he left behind while making his getaway.  That story again: Yogi Bear is finally behind bars.
  • A new religious poll shows a steep increase in the number of Americans identifying as agnostics.  When asked about the cause of the trend, researchers said that it was probably caused by something but they weren’t 100% sure.

Total Jokes: 5/11/15

I write topical jokes that don’t have a very long shelf life.  Now they can live on in perpetuity.  

  • After 16 years, American Idol will finally be going off the air.  Keith Urban will head back out on tour, Jennifer Lopez will take time with her children and Harry Connick Jr. will sweep up the studio.
  • Domino’s Pizza introduced a new app that lets customers track their delivery driver ensuring that their pizza arrives hot.  Not to be outdone, Papa John’s will be introducing an app that lets customers track hot delivery drivers.
  • A mom is in jail after trying to sell her 10-month-old daughter to her cousin.  The sale would have gone through if the cousin had a better credit score.
  • At the South Carolina Freedom Summit, Former senator Rick Santorum told an audience that the US should “bomb ISIL back into the 7th century.”  While in the 7th century, ISIL can obtain a better understanding of Santorum’s views on gay people.
  • Snoop Dogg told the New York Post that he’s a fan of the HBO show, “Game of Thrones” because he likes brushing up on history.  Snoop also told the Post that he’s a fan of Doctor OZ because he likes brushing up on medicine.