Inside the Offices of Raytheon

meeting-highfives

After the US launched Tomahawk missiles at Syrian targets, Raytheon’s stock jumped  up $2.25.

Raytheon Employee #1: Hey, did you hear!  Assad used Sarin gas on children!  At least 10 dead!  The US is launching a counterstrike tonight…with Raytheon Tomahawk missiles!

Raytheon Employee #2: Wow!  That’s great!  What are you going to do with your quarterly bonus check?

Raytheon Employee #1: Jeez…I don’t know.  Maybe new towels?

Josef Mengele’s Original Thesis Review

josef_mengele_4_by_kakudanworld-d4ghads

In 1938 a young Josef Mengele earned his medical degree from Frankfurt University.  As all doctoral candidates must do, he had to defend a thesis.  

Professor #1: Guten Abend Herr Mengele.  Myself and the rest of the board are excited to review your thesis.  You’ve been an exceptional student thus far and I have no doubt that your scholastic insights will be well presented.

Josef Mengele: You speak such kind words Professor.  Thank you for them.  As you remember, I have studied genetics at length.

Professor #2: Yes.  Your work on the genetics of cleft palates has been exemplary.

Josef Mengele: I chose to go a different route for my doctoral dissertation.  I didn’t want to be a one trick pony, so to speak.  I instead shifted to physiology.  I have titled my thesis: Inducing Gangrene Through Metallic Compression Clamps on Live Human Subjects.

Professor #1: Uh…I must have misheard you Herr Mengele.

Josef Mengele: Yes, and the findings that I had were quite revolutionary.  My thesis looked to prove the theory that if you put people’s arms in steel vices, they will turn gangrene and rot.

Professor #1: Hold up…wait, back up…are you serious with that thesis?  Live human subjects?

Josef Mengele: What’s the problem?

Professor #2: Where did you even get live human subjects from?

Josef Mengele: I have a guy.

Professor #1: You have a guy?

Josef Mengele: Yes.

Professor #1: You have a guy who can get you live human subjects to experiment on?

Josef Mengele: Yes.  Doesn’t everyone?

Professor #1: I think we need to adjourn this immediately.  I’m seeing some major red flags here.  If you see something, say something.  Well I’m seeing something right here.  You’re a sick little puppy.  Well, good thing there’s no room for twisted freaks like you here in the science community in Germany.

Professor #2: Now, now.  Let’s not be hasty.  Let’s hear the lad out.  In science they always say, you can’t make a Kartoffelpfannkuchen with out breaking a few eggs.  I’m curious about the results.

Professor #1:  You’re becoming more curious about how wrenching a living person’s arm in a steel vice will affect the development of gangrene causing their arm to rot?

Professor #2: You’re not?

Professor #1: Ok, time to move to Poland.

“This is Us” Creator Hints That Tonight’s Finale Will Feature a Mass Genocide

 

NBC’s weekly tear-jerker “This is Us” will be airing its season finale tonight and creator Dan Fogelman says to prepare for the worst.  “In one season we tapped the well in terms of tragic life events.  Someone died from cancer, there was a heart attack, a suicide attempt, a nervous breakdown, a drunk driving death,” Fogelman said.  “So we thought to ourselves ‘How can we go bigger?'”

Fogelman is staying mum on the story arc but a source close to the writer’s room said viewers should ready themselves tonight for “a grim genocide.”  Details are scarce at this point but the source believes that since viewers of the show have numbed themselves to the stark heartbreak packed into each and every episode, Fogelman and team have decided to serve up a “sweeping scythe of cold death” in order to elicit any type of emotion.

Some fans of the show have already hatched their own theories.  One fan tweeted that “Milo Ventimiglia’s car is full of fertilizer bombs and he’s driving it to a Native American Reserve.”  Other fans believe that the character of Randall, played expertly by Sterling K. Brown, will go on a race-fueled poisoning spree after he quit his lucrative job last episode.

Fogelman didn’t deny it when asked directly.

“We’ll just have to see,” he shrugged.

 

World’s First: Lady Who Figured Out That Massaging Kale Made it Taste Better

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As we all know, Kale is a disgusting, vile, abomination put here on Earth by a cruel and unyielding god.  In 1989, a neglected housewife, DEBRA, chose not to accept the bitter taste.  And like all great paradigm shifts, this one was driven by passion.  We join DEBRA as she welcomes home her emotionally disconnected husband, SCOTT, after he returns from a dreary day of work at an mid-sized accounting firm.  

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DEBRA: Hi baby!  How was work today?

SCOTT: Fine.  Where’s the newspaper?

DEBRA: It’s in the living room.  We’re going to have a nice healthy dinner tonight. I have some red-meat, some rice and some kale.  This new diet is tough but I want to get back in bathing-suit shape for you.

SCOTT: Hmm.  Not really a fan of that kale stuff.  You said the paper’s in the living room?

DEBRA: Yes, but why don’t you stay in here with me as I cook?  Keep me some company.  I get so lonely here all day.

She flutters her eyes and kisses him on the neck.  The gesture is lost on him.  

SCOTT: I heard on the radio that we’re sending troops into Panama.  I wanted to see if there was any more news about that.

DEBRA: I heard a something on the radio too.  It was that Milli Vanilli song.  “Girl you know it’s true!”  That song just gets me excited.  Does it excite you?

She plays with her hair, twisting it around her index finger.

SCOTT: Eh.  Not really my cup of tea.  Let me know when dinner’s ready.

He walks into the living room, leaving her alone again.  DEBRA’s neck remains un-kissed.  Her shoulders remain un-embraced.  Her hands remain un-held.  She is a part of the kitchen.  An appliance or a foodstuff.  Her only company is the roast in the oven, the Minute Rice on the stove, and a colander full of un-washed Kale.  She turns the faucet on and begins to rinse the leafy greens. Yet like the oven at 350 degrees, there is a radiant heat inside.  

The cold water rushes over her hands and she feels a tear fall from her eye and into the sink to be swept away.  Yet the kale remains.  The kale has invited her.  The hair on her arms stands up as the icy water cascades over her forearms, wrists and hand.  She begins to wash with no purpose.  Yet as she scrubs the vegetable, she finds  her hands moving rhythmically in and out of the moist folds of the leafy green.  She applies pressure and relieves it.  She teases it, fluttering her fingers toward the edges of  the edges of the iron-rich food..  Minutes pass without a sound.  The kale seems to react and moves like silk under the kneading.  It softens and opens and sweetens, receiving her digits.  She inhales deeply.   DEBRA closes her eyes.  

SCOTT: Is dinner ready yet!?

DEBRA: Almost there!

 

New Encyclopedia Entries – 2/22/17

overalls

Overalls – Strapped denim garment worn exclusively by toddlers, old farmers and girls who are down wit’ it.

Cranberry – Parasitic shrub-berry which attaches itself to any and all other known fruits in order to propagate its species.  After the Cranberry identifies a successful fruit (Apple, Grape, etc) it will launch a threaded dart from its stem.  This dart penetrates the skin of the more successful fruit and secretes a numbing neurotoxin which allows the process to go on without the host fruit even being aware.  Soon enough, you go to the store and it’s like Cranberry-Everything.

Cello – Oversized stringed instrument played exclusively by musicians who like getting pushed into lockers in high-school.

Internet – Global system of incorporated computer networks that was officially deemed boring on January 19th, 2017.  Despite housing nearly 200o petabytes of information, the internet ran out of stuff to look at this past Winter.  Internet users said they looked at Facebook, twitter, then reddit for a bit, then back to twitter for some reason then decided the internet was over.

Cultural Appropriation – The practice of an individual adopting and enjoying another race’s culture, thus allowing it to shape and influence them.  Widely considered to be a bad thing for some reason.