"It's like Viagra has all these awful side-effects. Sure, I might be aroused, but the keratin sheath has flaked off of my lacrimal horn bones. What sweet female Allosaurus would even want me?"
Hockey Humor
In an effort to stop Pittsburgh Penguins fans to stop fingering the triggers of their respective handguns, I’ve decided to bring repost some Hockey-related humor here at Konkdaddy. Below are a few more posts where Hockey is the main topic:
NHL GM’s Meet to Discuss Arena Playlist
NHL Player Finally Listens to Fan, Promises to “Shoot the Dang Puck.”
Doug Shedden – Patron Saint of Lost Pittsburgh Comedy Shows
These are posts I wrote from the 2009 Stanley Cup Finals. We won the cup that year, so obviously I made a significant contribution. Might help the Pens to revisit their old glory…
Filed under Sports
Everything I Learned About Hate
Tonight, the lights of the colleseum dim.
The darkness is pocked with flashes of a neon ribbon
Glowing with Red, White and Blue.
But those aren’t my colors tonight.
Those aren’t your colors tonight, dear brother,
Although we came from a similar pedigree.
You with your cracked bells of liberty.
Me with my white hot steel of industry.
My land has been cut by the rivers.
Yours has been stabbed by the sea.
And we likely share the lineage
of vikings and slaves; the destitute and demure.
You are relative to me, yet in this moment
I share no common yolk with you.
We shant plow the sod, nor break bread.
Instead, I’d sneak a bit of hemlock
In your Labatt Blue Light,
Watch your eyes swirl and dull,
And laugh as I hear the siren sing
While my tribe holds their hands aloft.
In too many ways we are the same.
Both our Colors are bright and bold.
Your’s orange and black.
and mine black and gold.
We should find common ground.
We should at least act civil.
But I don’t want you to join my party.
I don’t want you to assimilate with my Igloo.
I want you to bow to me; plead for mercy.
Thank me and love me for letting you live.
This is the NHL Playoffs. This is the nature of hate.
Filed under Crappy Poetry, Sports, Uncategorized
A Primer on Rioting Appropriately
Don’t Riot
Pittsburgh Police beat Jordan Miles
Riot
Philadelphia Flyers beat the Montreal Canadians
Don’t Riot
Kelo v. City of New London - Government can knock your house down to build a Starbucks
Riot
Joe Paterno Fired From Penn State Football
Don’t Riot
"Enhanced interrogations"
Riot
LA Lakers 2010 NBA Championship
Don’t Riot
Florence vs. The County of Burlington - officials may strip search any one under arrest prior to taking them to jail, even if the person is not suspected of carrying contraband
Riot
Kentucky Wins 2012 NCAA Tournament
Filed under Sports, Unsettling
“Letter B” Pulls Ads Off of Sesame Street After Controversy
Sesame Street, NY – Kermit the Frog has been a mainstay of the Sesame Street News team for several years. Although the amphibious reporter has been off-camera for some time, he has still enjoyed a Chief Editor role behind the scenes of Sesame Street News Flash. However, a scandal regarding recent memos sent by Kermit to his producers has advertisers ready to jump ship.
Last month, a controversial e-mail was leaked to the New York Times from an anonymous source at Sesame Street News Flash. The e-mail was sent by Kermit to his line producers, instructing them to frame the news in a way that was “consistent with our values.” Specifically, Kermit called out that reporters must refer to HealthCare reform as “socialist experimentation” and Solar Energy as “a sci-fi fantasy.” Most egregiously, Kermit instructed the producers of the team covering the recent Humpty Dumpty incident, in which a talking egg fell off of a wall, to “make sure to blame Barack Obama for this. Even if you have to stretch the truth.”
"In your opinion Mr. Dumpty, is Nancy Pelosi a disciple of Stalin?"
This memo calls Kermit the Frog’s objectivity into question. Advertisers are already anxious about the leak. It was announced last week that the Letter B would be pulling all advertising support away from the program. A spokesperson for the Letter B said, “We were once proud to have segments ‘Brought to you by the Letter B.’ We felt that our ad dollars were spent on a news organization with integrity. It appears that is not the case. We felt it was the best thing for our company and customers if we were to part ways.”
Kermit’s recent autobiography Being Green is Better Than Being Red: Treatises on the Evils of Marxist Culture shed more light onto the Frog’s lack of objectivity. In the book he calls Vice-President Joe Biden “a fascist shill”; Hillary Clinton “a hatchet-faced goblin”; and President Obama “a jihadist Cosmonaut sent from Russia to abduct American children and steal their eyeballs.”
"Hi ho! Kermit the Frog here. I'm speaking with the upstanding capitalist citizen, Mr. Wolf, who will be blowing this dilapidated house down in order to build a much needed retail center."
Sesame Street News Flash has always had great respect amongst the tele-journalism community for its “straight news.” Kermit’s coverage of the Three Little Pigs catastrophe is still viewed as the gold standard in fantasy reporting. But Kermit’s status as a “straight news” editor and his use of vehement anti-left rhetoric in company communication has many calling for his resignation.
The Children’s Television Workshop will be conducting a full internal investigation to examine if any of Kermit’s actions violated company policy.
Filed under Fake News, Utter Non-sense
