Wolf Blitzer Quietly Sets Guinness World Record; Has Been on TV for 114,668 Hours Straight

Washington D.C. – The Guinness Book of World Records announced today the CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer has set the record for being on television for the most consecutive hours in a single attempt.  Blitzer began his herculean effort during the 9/11 coverage over 13  years ago.  Since that time, he has been the consecutive and constant focal point of a CNN camera for three presidential elections, 2 invasions of Iraq, one withdraw from Iraq, the Octomom, the Beijing Olympics, Alec Baldwin’s voicemail to his daughter, the Costa Concordia tipping over off the coast of Italy, and that overly-tan mom from Jersey that everyone flipped out over.

“I typically will sleep in between commercial breaks and when Candy Crowley is doing one of her ‘investigative pieces’,” said Blitzer.

The 66 year old news anchor sustains himself with an IV drip filled with a mixture of umbilical cord blood and Gatorade, a concoction he affectionately calls the “Wolf Spritzer.”

TV personality Carson Daly is the likely next contender to break the record.

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Area Man Unsure of Which Glass is His

 

While at Mulligan’s Tap Room on Saturday night, area man Tad Swanson was dismayed to discover that he could no longer identify his glass.  “Damn it,” said Swanson as he held both glasses of beer up to the light.  “Does this look like a Sam Adams?”  The local man was accompanied to the bar by his friend Dean, whose Killian’s Irish Red was placed next to his Boston Lager while they were playing darts.  Dean is reportedly in good health and is “not sick or anything.”

Sources say that Swanson is currently sniffing the rim of the glass, mistakenly believing he can detect his own scent.

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Major Problem

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October 8, 2014 · 12:12 pm

My Precious Little Joke

Humans have unrealistic expectations about the world. One time, I saw a guy get mad at a waiter because there weren’t any crackers with his soup. I mean, that guy really wants it all, doesn’t he?

“Excuse me, waiter. How do you propose I eat this liquid I ordered without it being crunchy at the same time? FIX IT!”  – Me

 

Silence. – The Audience

 

Amber rays of an Autumn morning’s sunlight
Shift onto the face of my sleeping little joke.
Flecks of morning dust flicker briefly from its
wavering eyes. A deep breath and a return to sleep.

No one will understand you my dear, my darling.
But I did and I do and I created you.
Maybe my maternal instincts lift patient courtesies
In front of your path, fraught with distractions and despair.

I should let you fail, let you stand on quaking pink legs
And show you the hard way that life is a cold swim.
If jokes were to dream, I’m sure you’d see me.
I heard you cry out, but I won’t rock you back to bed.

I won’t materialize in the midst of collapsing danger
I’ll just close the door for now, turning the handle
So that the click of the clasp won’t wake you.
You’ll see a set list soon.  A deep breath and a return to sleep.

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Indie Band Perfectly Fine with Being Pigeonholed into One Genre

Nashville, TN – During a recent interview with Pitchfork, up-and-coming indie rock band The Crystal Lakes admitted that they are perfectly fine if audiences want to confine them to a certain sub-genre of music, if that’s what helps.

“We’ve been labeled as a post-folk grunge,” lead singer Bryce Gebhardt said. “I think I speak for the entire band when I say, they pretty much have us pegged.”

Citing the fact that they really are a one trick pony with not a lot of diversification in their songs, The Crystal Lakes are totally cool with pumping out a few records over the course of the next few years that will all essentially sound the same.

“That’s what people want anyway, right?” said Tommy Mill, bassist. “We’re not going to add a French Horn or some dumb thing just because we want an arbitrary change in the sound.  We’re not really talented enough to pull off switching to electro-pop in a few years anyway.”

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