Last week, I posted about the Top 5 Superheroes I wouldn’t want to get drunk with. But I long for companionship, so I decided to think about the characters I would like to get drunk with. Keep in mind, I’m 30. I don’t go to clubs or raves. I like bars. So Booster Gold, Jubilee or any other superhero who looks like they have Skrillex on their i-Pod is out.
5) Thing - Ben Grimm was a former astronaut who was turned into a monster during a space flight. So right there, that gives him a leg up. People would kill to have a beer with Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin and neither one of those guys can lift a jeep over their head. Ben Grimm might get a little touchy if you ask him about Wolverine slashing his face or the fact that most people find him aesthetically repugnant. But keep the conversation to football and stogies and you’re in for a good time.
“The Jets really never gave Sanchez a fair chance.”
4) Alfred Pennyworth - I understand he’s not a hero per se, but I think getting this stuffy butler a much needed break from the brooding, moody Batman would be incredible. No one ever asks Alfred about himself. I want to know his back story. Any siblings? What did his parents do? What does he do the rest of the day at Wayne Manor? I’d hope to earn his trust and convince him to let me down to the Batcave, so I could take selfies next to the giant penny.
“Do you (hiccup)…do you want to see where he keeps his dirty movies?”
3) Meteor Man – Really, Meteor Man is kind of boring. As Jefferson Reed, he’s a mild-mannered school teacher with a strong sense of righteousness. When he touches a meteor he gains all sorts of very generic powers: flight, strength, laser vision, etc. The reason he makes this list is pure nostalgia. Outside of Three Ninjas, I don’t think there’s a VHS tape I watched more during my grade school years than Meteor Man. So picture me at a table with Meteor Man, Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum slamming Miller Lites.
“Jeff, it’s time to take me back to Blockbuster now.”
2) Scarlett Witch - You know how funny it is to draw on your passed out friends? Well imagine getting Scarlett Witch to change the entire fabric of reality around them. Instead of sketching a Sharpie mustache on your blacked-out buddy, why not just make him think he has a real mustache? In fact, why not just make him think that he’s a lumberjack in the barren tundra of the Northwest territory? When your friend wakes up and stumbles through the constructed vapor-scape of his own perceptions it will be hilarious.
“Get a glass of warm water…”
1) Fone Bone – Fone Bone is a lesser known hero, but damn it he seems like a good guy…or, uh…bone thing. His cousins are cigar-smoking carney types, so that can probably lead to some good stories. Plus, if you are looking to pick up chicks, this guy is like a dachshund puppy on steroids. Look at that mug! Delightful!
“I’ll distract her friends!”