Top 5 Worst Supeheroes To Get Drunk With

Superheroes exist so prevalently in our culture because of the escape they provide.  They give us an outlet where we can imagine being heroic or indestructible even when we feel fragile and vulnerable.  So where do Earth’s mightiest heroes turn when they need an escape?

Probably booze.

The following is a list of Superheroes I would not like to get drunk with…

Let’s start out agreeing on some basic assumptions: in your body, alcohol metabolizes into ethanol and is absorbed through your blood stream.  The ethanol causes glutamate levels in your brain to fall, causing the awesome feeling that you get when you drink.  Since this neurotransmitter is part of a bodies natural homeostasis, any hero’s with regenerative abilities (Wolverine, Hulk, etc) would not feel the effect of alcohol.  So we will continue.

5) Professor X – Alcohol is a bit of a truth serum already, but it also tends to unshackle the unsettling thoughts that were buried deep in your brain like, “I should pee on that” or “Mitt Romney would probably not have been that bad of a President.”  The challenge with alcohol is trying to keep your mouth shut when you know you shouldn’t say anything.  The challenge of drinking with Professor X is that he’ll be able to hear EVERYTHING.

“So, you want to start pickling your own vegetables, huh?”

4) Dr. Manhattan – This would be no fun whatsoever.  If you want to have a good time with Dr. Manhattan you should probably drop beer and head straight to the hallucinogens.  Dr. Manhattan might be able to show you that time is an infinite loop and where we are right now is the only place we could ever possibly be.  However, when it comes time to throw darts at a dart board or play some Tom Petty on the jukebox, omniscient-nelly would be so boring!  I don’t care if human consciousness is a closed system and that humans are figments of each other’s imagination, I wanna go cow tippin’!

“Cows are actually divine manifestation of the atom. Its fragmentation is the specter of…are you listening?”

3)  Gambit – You know that one friend who you always keep at arm’s distance because you don’t really trust them?  That’s Gambit.  He’s a former pick-pocket and con-artist, using his mutant power of hypnotic entrancement to lure marks into his traps.  You know what this means?  Don’t bring your girlfriend around.  Plus he sounds like a French pastry chef.

“Who wants Quiche?”

2) Banshee –  Banshee’s main ability is to emit a piercing supersonic tone from his vocal chords, so when he tells you, “I LOVE YOU MAN!” at the end of the night, be prepared to purchase a new cochlear implant.  I, for one, hate loud drunks. Banshee is also Irish.  If stereotyping has taught me anything, it’s that Irish people like to have a drink every now and then.  Cut to 1:15 AM and Banshee trying to sing along with “I Would Walk 500 Miles” by the Proclaimers and every window within a 60 mile radius of Dublin shattering during the “La-Da-Da” part.

“YOU’RE MY BEST FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

1) Batman – Batman is known for keeping his emotions at bay at all time.  He is eternally logical, calculating and career-oriented.  You probably know someone like that in you life and you know from experience that they are super-judgy when people are drinking.  “Do you really need another?” Batman would ask.  On the off-chance that he were to let his guard down, get ready.  There are some tears coming after that shot of Jameson.  He’s held in every emotion he’s ever had for decades.  Something’s gotta give.  If you get drunk with Batman, be prepared to handle the following topics: Jason Todd dying was not his fault, Talia al-Ghul does like him (yes, like-like him), and Bane is a total prick and he could definitely take him in a fair fight.

“Alfred yelled at me yesterday…”

 

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Wolf Blitzer Quietly Sets Guinness World Record; Has Been on TV for 114,668 Hours Straight

Washington D.C. – The Guinness Book of World Records announced today the CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer has set the record for being on television for the most consecutive hours in a single attempt.  Blitzer began his herculean effort during the 9/11 coverage over 13  years ago.  Since that time, he has been the consecutive and constant focal point of a CNN camera for three presidential elections, 2 invasions of Iraq, one withdraw from Iraq, the Octomom, the Beijing Olympics, Alec Baldwin’s voicemail to his daughter, the Costa Concordia tipping over off the coast of Italy, and that overly-tan mom from Jersey that everyone flipped out over.

“I typically will sleep in between commercial breaks and when Candy Crowley is doing one of her ‘investigative pieces’,” said Blitzer.

The 66 year old news anchor sustains himself with an IV drip filled with a mixture of umbilical cord blood and Gatorade, a concoction he affectionately calls the “Wolf Spritzer.”

TV personality Carson Daly is the likely next contender to break the record.

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Area Man Unsure of Which Glass is His

 

While at Mulligan’s Tap Room on Saturday night, area man Tad Swanson was dismayed to discover that he could no longer identify his glass.  “Damn it,” said Swanson as he held both glasses of beer up to the light.  “Does this look like a Sam Adams?”  The local man was accompanied to the bar by his friend Dean, whose Killian’s Irish Red was placed next to his Boston Lager while they were playing darts.  Dean is reportedly in good health and is “not sick or anything.”

Sources say that Swanson is currently sniffing the rim of the glass, mistakenly believing he can detect his own scent.

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Major Problem

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October 8, 2014 · 12:12 pm

My Precious Little Joke

Humans have unrealistic expectations about the world. One time, I saw a guy get mad at a waiter because there weren’t any crackers with his soup. I mean, that guy really wants it all, doesn’t he?

“Excuse me, waiter. How do you propose I eat this liquid I ordered without it being crunchy at the same time? FIX IT!”  – Me

 

Silence. – The Audience

 

Amber rays of an Autumn morning’s sunlight
Shift onto the face of my sleeping little joke.
Flecks of morning dust flicker briefly from its
wavering eyes. A deep breath and a return to sleep.

No one will understand you my dear, my darling.
But I did and I do and I created you.
Maybe my maternal instincts lift patient courtesies
In front of your path, fraught with distractions and despair.

I should let you fail, let you stand on quaking pink legs
And show you the hard way that life is a cold swim.
If jokes were to dream, I’m sure you’d see me.
I heard you cry out, but I won’t rock you back to bed.

I won’t materialize in the midst of collapsing danger
I’ll just close the door for now, turning the handle
So that the click of the clasp won’t wake you.
You’ll see a set list soon.  A deep breath and a return to sleep.

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