Defending My Man Thesis

Shouldn’t I feel like a man by this point?  Shouldn’t I feel like I know what the hell I’m doing?  I feel like I’m constantly presenting my masters thesis on my manliness and it’s just getting shut down.  The review panel is just a US soldier, my dad, and a guy who works at Jiffy Lube.

Me: Well I’m married, does that make me a man?

Soldier: No.

Me: I have a job and provide for my family.  Does that make me a man?

Dad: Nah…

Me: Ooh!  I got her pregnant.  That’s got to make me a man.

Guy Who Works at Jiffy Lube: Please…

Me: Well damn…I…uh…I patched some drywall last week.

The Panel covers their respective microphones and has a sidebar conversation.  

Soldier: How big was the piece of drywall?

Me: About one foot by 6 inches.

Dad: How did the hole get there?

Me: I…uh…punched a wall when Roethlisberger threw an interception.

Another sidebar conversation.

Guy Who Works at Jiffy Lube: Thank you.  We’ll be in touch.

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New Hangover Cure

For those people planning to over-imbibe tonight for the Steelers game, I’d like to present you a new recipe for a drink I believe can unseat the Bloody Mary from its throne as the best drink to cure a hangover:

The Pink Bath

  • 7 oz. of Pepto Bismol
  • 2 oz. of Grey Goose vodka
  • 1 small lemon wedge
  • 2 crushed Excedrin
  • Pour Pepto and vodka into a clean drink shaker. Add 2 ice cubes to chill. Crush Excedrin tabs and place them in a dish. Wet the rim of the glass and dip into the powder. Take Pepto and vodka mix and pour into glass. Squeeze lemon wedge on top as a garnish.

    Drink this. Eat a piece of burnt toast. Turn your cell phone off. Close the blinds and watch Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers


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    Does This Hold Up LIVE at the Arcade Comedy Theater

    For anyone who wasn’t able to attend, here’s the Halloween episode of Does This Hold Up, where we talk about Nightmare on Elm Street.

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    America’s Race Problem Solved in Comments Section of Huffington Post

    (New York, NY) – After hundreds of years of conflict, violence, misinterpretation, and confusion, the United States’ ongoing race issue has been solved within the comments section of a Huffington Post article titled “13 of the Creepiest Haunted Bars and Restaurants in America.”  Despite having nothing to do with the article at hand, the conversation in the comments section predictably evolved into an all out race war.  However, when the smoke cleared, users had obtained a level of clarity regarding the murky subject.  Citing purely factual evidence that took into account multiple points of view, several commenters enlightened the rest of the board as to the past history of race relations and how it factors into the interpersonal dynamics of today.  The commenters then formulated a holistic solution to treating all as equals yet maintaining and honoring specific cultural identities.

    “Well, I guess that’s it for me,” said Jesse Jackson, noted Human-Rights activist.  Other people at the forefront of the debate have announced their retirement as they now have nothing to do including: Rush Limbaugh, Al Sharpton, Bill O’Reilly and your uncle who lives in Virginia.

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    Top 5 Superheroes to Get Drunk With

    Last week, I posted about the Top 5 Superheroes I wouldn’t want to get drunk with.  But I long for companionship, so I decided to think about the characters I would like to get drunk with.  Keep in mind, I’m 30.  I don’t go to clubs or raves.  I like bars.  So Booster Gold, Jubilee or any other superhero who looks like they have Skrillex on their i-Pod is out.


    5) Thing - Ben Grimm was a former astronaut who was turned into a monster during a space flight.  So right there, that gives him a leg up.  People would kill to have a beer with Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin and neither one of those guys can lift a jeep over their head.  Ben Grimm might get a little touchy if you ask him about Wolverine slashing his face or the fact that most people find him aesthetically repugnant.  But keep the conversation to football and stogies and you’re in for a good time.

    “The Jets really never gave Sanchez a fair chance.”


    4) Alfred Pennyworth - I understand he’s not a hero per se, but I think getting this stuffy butler a much needed break from the brooding, moody Batman would be incredible.  No one ever asks Alfred about himself.  I want to know his back story.  Any siblings?  What did his parents do?  What does he do the rest of the day at Wayne Manor?  I’d hope to earn his trust and convince him to let me down to the Batcave, so I could take selfies next to the giant penny.

    “Do you (hiccup)…do you want to see where he keeps his dirty movies?”


    3) Meteor Man – Really, Meteor Man is kind of boring.  As Jefferson Reed, he’s a mild-mannered school teacher with a strong sense of righteousness.  When he touches a meteor he gains all sorts of very generic powers: flight, strength, laser vision, etc.  The reason he makes this list is pure nostalgia.  Outside of Three Ninjas, I don’t think there’s a VHS tape I watched more during my grade school years than Meteor Man.  So picture me at a table with Meteor Man, Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum slamming Miller Lites.

    “Jeff, it’s time to take me back to Blockbuster now.”


    2) Scarlett Witch -  You know how funny it is to draw on your passed out friends?  Well imagine getting Scarlett Witch to change the entire fabric of reality around them.  Instead of sketching a Sharpie mustache on your blacked-out buddy, why not just make him think he has a real mustache?  In fact, why not just make him think that he’s a lumberjack in the barren tundra of the Northwest territory?  When your friend wakes up and stumbles through the constructed vapor-scape of his own perceptions it will be hilarious.

    “Get a glass of warm water…”


    1) Fone Bone – Fone Bone is a lesser known hero, but damn it he seems like a good guy…or, uh…bone thing.  His cousins are cigar-smoking carney types, so that can probably lead to some good stories.  Plus, if you are looking to pick up chicks, this guy is like a dachshund puppy on steroids.  Look at that mug!  Delightful!

    “I’ll distract her friends!”

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