Penguins’ Captain: “Next game not the biggest of the season”

 

AP Ottawa – Penguins’ center Sidney Crosby delivered a refreshingly honest take on the significance of the game 4 tonight at Scotiabank Place.  

“It’s definitely not the most important game of the season,” said Crosby.  “We’re up 2-1.   There is physically no way we can be eliminated from the playoffs tonight.  Everyone keeps talking like this is life or death.  Take it easy already.”

Asked whether tonight is a “must-win” by members of the news media, Crosby responded with a mildly condescending answer.

“Must-win?  Did you just hear what I said?” Crosby replied.  “This is game 4 of a 7 game series, in which we’re up a game.  Do you understand?  It’s not must win.  What’s the worst that’s going to happen to us if we lose tonight?  We go back to Pittsburgh and play another game.  What happens if we lose that?  We go back to Ottawa and play another.  What happens if we lose that?  Oh yeah, we play next year just like always.”

40 year old Senator’s right wing Daniel Alfredsson echoed his opponent’s comments. 

“Yes.  He’s right.  This game is essentially meaningless.  There are literally no final consequences for them or for us.”

Members of the media responded by asking different questions like, “Is this game do or die?” and “Will your life be rendered meaningless if you don’t win tonight.”

Whoops

Kinda forgot about everyone out there for a bit.  I had a busy March.  I was at the Improv with Bret Ernst, I had the Roast of John Winters, and that left me very little time to write much. 

So I’m just trying to get back into the swing of things.  Here’s a poem (I know, I know…boo)

The Well-Dressed Shop Teacher

Tight white curls of pine shaved onto
the cement floor fill cracks in strategic spots. 
Sawdusts surrounds a Kmart boot, brown laces 
straining against the rail of the lathe.

Rough hands, fumble at delicacy,
Trying to undo what has been done.

Knots in the wood, knots in the neck.

An agitated hand sweeps the sawdust off the bed.
Mr. Karwoski’s Pierre Cardin
a silk tangle of forrest green and grease,
sleeps on the quiet spindle.

The motor hums, expecting more action.

The well-dressed shop-teacher curses the headstock. 
He curses the lock knob.  He curses the tool rest.

It’s 4:15 and the buses are pulling away.

The Venue Review: Hambone’s

It blows my mind that there is consistently an good audience at Hambones.  There is an intrinsic worth to working out material in front of people who don’t hate comedy. - Derek Minto

 At first glance, Hambone’s Restaurant doesn’t seem like anything special.  Lawrenceville is practically choked with unique dive bars and cool restaurants.  But as we all know, it’s not the location, or the food, or the ironic interior decorating that makes a place great.  It’s the people.  The TV show Cheers could have been set in a Burger King dumpster for all I cared.  As long as George Wendt, Ted Danson and Kirstie Alley all stopped by and interacted with one another, that would have been good enough for me. 

The people at Hambone’s care about live performance, especially comedy.  It all starts with Jeff Holt, the manager of this fine establishment.  If a non-comic in this city could earn a Medal of Honor for Service to the Comedy Industry, Jeff Holt’s name would have a check on my ballot.  He has been a key role-player in the Pittsburgh Open-Mic scene for a few years now.  It started when he brought comedy to Papa J’s Italian Restaurant Dowtown.  He had to put up with his share of crap while at the infamous former brothel: comics who didn’t buy anything, rambling open mic’ers who probably frightened normal customers, and Elliot Burns awkwardly stumbling through late-onset puberty on stage.  However, like a foster parent, he opened the doors of that place to comedians so that we could come in from the cold on Thursday nights. 

Soon Jeff mentioned that he’d be leaving Papa J’s and moving over to booming Lawrenceville to head up an operation named Hambones.  He promised to take comedy with him.  But comedians knew that trick.  Another promise broken.  Another crowd didn’t want them.  But a few months later, the Thursday night open mic was up and running again at the new location.  He kept his promise!

The staff is very supportive–they will literally take a punch for the comedians. – James J. Hamilton

Since moving to Hambone’s we’ve had our share of ups and downs.  The low point was the “Great James J. Hamilton Fist-Melee” in which a emotionally unstable patron and her cadre of eco-terrorist friends (all of whom were 12 feet tall from what I understand)* decided to charge the host of the open mic.  Of course, Jeff Holt was in the middle, protecting comedians from harm and eating a knuckle sandwich in the process. 

But there have also been truly great moments as well.  Most notable were when Lee Camp, a nationally touring comedian, held a packed weekend show there, and when Hannibal Burress, in town for a show at Mr. Smalls, sniffed out Hambone’s to get some stage time. 

I’m not sure if we’ll ever be able to get Jeff Holt an Honorary Doctorate from Clown College.  But judging from his brief body of work, we’ll try.  By God, we’ll try. 

It’s a great location for getting foot traffic in and since the mic is in a separate room from the bar the crowd is usually very attentive. I’ve had some of my favorite open mic sets there.  - Zach Funk

When: Open Mic on Thursday night.  Showcases once a month on the weekend.

Where: Butler Street, Lawrenceville (right by Arsenal Bowling)

Drinks: Nothing special, just everything.

Feature: Really good, authentic Pittsburgh food (I’m talking pierogies mo-fo!).  Knuckle Sandwiches are no longer being served. 

Attire: Weeknights: nothing special.  Weekends: you better hipster it up.  If you have some sort of ridiculous-looking heavy wool sweater, that’d be your best bet.  The more you look like a New England Fishing Boat captain, the better. 

Parking: There’s  a lot right across the street, but you should just be able to park on Butler. 

Cover Charge: Zip for open mic.  Maybe a few buck for a show on the weekend.

* I obviously wasn’t there for this incident.  Comedians tend to exaggerate their stories.

The Venue Review: The Pittsburgh Improv

We’ve talked a lot about the gritty backstage factories where comedy is forged and refined.  But after it’s packaged up and loaded onto the trucks at the distribution center, where does comedy go?  It needs a showroom, a bright floor that will allow the audience to see what comedy can be at its absolute best.

Pittsburgh’s biggest and best comedy stage is the Improv.  Located in Homestead on the banks of the Monongahela river, the Improv is preferred stop for many of the nation’s biggest comedy acts.  On any given weekend you could see a TV star, a Saturday Night Live alum, or a proven road comedian (aka “Drunk”).  I’ve worked with people that I could never have imagined even meeting before starting to do comedy.  Since I’m insecure, I will name a few: Pauly Shore, Jon Lovitz, Jim Breuer, Bill Burr, Billy Gardell and Charlie Murphy.

It’s an awesome venue and stage. Since I started doing open mics there when I was 21, I’ve gathered comedy knowledge and wisdom from some of my childhood idols. -Terry Jones

Perhaps the biggest contribution that the Improv has to offer the comedy scene is a pathway.  I’ve seen literally hundreds of comedians in the past 6 years that have never made it past the stage of an open mic at a dive bar.  The Improv somehow offers a light at the end of that smokey tunnel.  In a lot of ways, getting in the starting line-up of opening and feature comedians at the Improv means that a performer’s skills have reached another level.  It’s like getting called up from Triple A to the big leagues.  When you get booked to work at the Improv, you know that you’ll be performing for over a thousand people over the course of a weekend.  You have to fill out a W-2 form before you get paid at the club, which means one thing: you are officially a professional comedian.

And now a break down of the weekend shows at the Improv by Mike Wysocki:

Thursday: Crowds are usually light.  Its like a run through for the weekend.  Usually a good, more laid back feel.  Nice way to start off the weekend.

Friday: Early shows are packed, lots of old people and parents getting away from their bratty kids.  Late shows are tough for a performer. They start at 10 so the audience is already drunk and tired.  Getting people to pay attention and be quiet and not yawn can be a challenge.   

Saturday: This is what you live for as a comic.  Saturday night, fired up crowds and the late show at 9 isn’t too late.  Incredible. 

Sunday: Sort of a wind down.  It’s usually for people that weren’t able to make it to the Friday or Saturday shows. 

There’s one thing about the Improv that can annoy comedians (including myself).  Almost every comedian fancies themselves a philosopher in a way.  We believe that by pointing out the stupid, the hypocritical and the incongruent we can somehow make a reverberating ripple on this tainted blue orb we call Earth.  ”We can change them!”  The thing about audiences at the Improv is that they rarely give a crap about your “point.”  They don’t want to be told why they should support Green Architecture.  They don’t want to be told about why abortion is immoral.   They just paid $45 for tickets and $20 for a bucket of Heineken because they want to blow off some steam.  So it can be frustrating when you unveil a little piece of fragile artistry to the 300+ audience members and are met with silence. But cut them a break, they’re there to laugh for God’s sake!

It’s a great room when it’s filled and a difficult and intimidating one when it’s not.  You really have to earn it with every audience, but if they like you, then there’s nothing better.  - Bill Crawford

I owe practically every accomplishment in my comedy career to the Improv.  It’s my home club.  It’s the best club.   So we all need to support it.  Let’s fill those seats.

When: Open Mic’s on every other Wednesday.  Weekend shows usually run Thursday-Sunday

Where: Homestead (you can call it the Waterfront if that makes you feel better)

Drinks: Two-drink minimum

Feature: Top touring comedians from stage and screen

Attire: I guess two-levels down from what you think would be appropriate to wear to a Samba Club?  Or one level up from anything you’d wear to your nephew’s birthday party?

Parking: Right by Macy’s under the bridge

Cover Charge: You’re looking at a pretty expensive night.  But you get what you pay for, which is the most top-notch comedy product that the city has to offer.

The Venue Review: The Pleasure Bar

So football season is over, WWE Monday Night Raw is getting stale (they’re pushing Randy Orton…again), and you’re bored.  Where do you go?  Why not try heading down to Bloomfield, Pittsburgh’s Little Italy, for a nice little taste of open-mic comedy?  The Pleasure Bar on Liberty Avenue is the first open mic of the long week for struggling comedians.

It might be my personal favorite mic of the week.  Some of my best jokes have been enormously improved at the Pleasure Bar, either on stage, or in conversation work-shopping with the city’s funniest and most committed young comics. - John Winters

Bloomfield is one of those charming neighborhoods that straddles the line of sketchy and bohemian so well.  The bars are quaint.  The food is excellent.  But maybe don’t park your car 5 blocks away from the main drag.  It draws in a very mixed crowd.  Cool hipsters, blue-collar types, and  the occasional Italian Men’s Bocce League.

Seriously.  I had to perform in front of 50 septuagenarians who had just finished eating a five-course pasta explosion.  Bruno Samartino was supposedly going to be in the audience for that one.  Thank God he wasn’t.  I couldn’t bear to have the man who sold out Madison Square Garden 187 times listen to my jokes about what it’d be like if I went to prison.

Inside the side room of the Pleasure Bar for the Roast of Danny Palumbo

The audience is sometimes made up of girlfriends and other comics.  But Spring seems to be the best time for Pleasure Bar audiences, college students and such. Aaron Klieber is a great host, way cooler than that F*%% face who hosts Beerhive. The atmosphere at Pbar is fun, loose, and very welcoming (outside of John Winters). – Shannon Norman

Crazies do come out at night and some of them decide to perform. Host Aaron Kleiber has had to wrangle in his fair share of psychos and otherwise incoherent people trying comedy for the first time.  However, that’s what’s great about the Pleasure Bar.  It’s usually your first chance to see someone trying comedy for the first time.  I saw the following comedians for the first time ever at the Pleasure Bar: Shannon Norman, Alex Stypula, John Winters, and Tim Ross.

I think this is something that more people would enjoy seeing.  A comedian being born.  The Pleasure Bar is almost like an incubation room.  It’s a warm environment where comedians can be nourished and fed and sleep sometimes.

When: Mondays at 8:00

Where: Bloomfield

Drinks: Nothing special, just everything.

Feature: Best food at an open-mic in Pittsburgh (tight race with Hambone’s though)

Attire: You’re good.  Don’t worry about it.

Parking: Can be tricky.  You can usually find on on Liberty, but one street back should be enough for an opening.

Cover Charge: Zip