United Engineers Unveil Crash-Proof Aircraft Prototype

United's New "Crash-Proof" UAL 7500 S

Atlanta, GA  – Engineers at United have completed the construction of what the company is a calling “the world’s safest airplane.”  It is a landmark innovation for the beleaguered carrier, which reported a net loss of $325 million in Q4. 

“We believe that this new prototype will revolutionize the flight industry and put United Airlines back at the top an industry leader,” said Jeff Smisek President and CEO.  Smisek is still sensitive about revealing the actual design secrets until the patents clear, however he was able to share a broad overview of the safety enhancing features of the new UAL 7500 S prototype.

“Basically our engineers looked at the material used to construct the outside paneling of the plane,” Smiskek explained.  “Instead of using aluminum, the design team used the same material that we use for the black box.”

The relatively simple and intuitive idea was born out of a team-building exercise that United’s top-engineers attended one Wednesday night.  They went to a Comedy open mic at Brewsky’s pub.  “There was one comic who was talking about Viagra side-effects and how women are always shopping,” recalls project manager Vishtan Kallistak.  “Then he eventually moved into some interesting discussion about airplane construction.  He said, ‘If the black box is the only thing that survives a plane crash, why don’t they just make the whole damn thing out of the black box?”

With that, the United design team rushed back to their office and immediately began drawing up plans.  8 months later, the company is ready to reveal the first ever crash-proof airplane.

“We’ve contacted the comedian and signed him to a lucrative consulting contract,” Smisek says.  “We think with his assistance, we will become the number one aircraft service carrier in the world.  He has already offered some interesting insights on the quality of airline food. ”

Boba Fett: Imperial Employee or Independent Contractor?

"I want to use the gym at the Death Star!"

Many times organizations will face challenges for which they are not prepared. Perhaps they don’t have the skill set in-house to complete an assignment. Current employees aren’t trained to effectively execute a specific directive. Maybe it’s just a matter of pure manpower. There aren’t enough associates to physically complete the task. This creates a need for organizations to develop flexible staffing models in order to react quickly to new challenges.

Organizations can sometimes make do with existing resources. They can train current employees, which can be both time-consuming and expensive. They can hire a new full-time employee that specializes in whatever skill set they seek. However, hiring a full-time employee for a short assignment doesn’t make sense for the organization in the long run. If they are looking to bridge a brief gap in skill sets for a finite amount of time, then organizations will often hire independent contractors.

The Galactic Empire faced a great challenge after the escape of the Rebel vessel, the Millennium Falcon. Site manager Darth Vader attempted, on numerous occasions, to capture Han Solo & Princess Leia (et al) with little success. This was not an issue of manpower or resources. The Galactic Empire had a massive fleet of starships, a moon-sized “Death Star”, and approximately 17 billion cloned “Storm Troopers.” After doing a gap analysis, in which management defined the skills needed for a future project and the skills that the organization had at the time, Mr. Vader decided that the Empire required outside assistance. They needed someone who could operate outside the rigid framework of Imperial job descriptions, someone with a certain array of special weapons and tracking devices that could assist them in achieving the objective of capturing the Rebel figure heads.

Mr. Vader contacted his Head of Human Resources, Balton VanRhssk, who recommend they farm out the function of recruiting of a bounty hunter to Jabba the Hut, an amorphous blob from the planet Tattooine. Jabba recommended a number of reputable bounty hunters: I-88, Bossk, Dengar and Boba Fett. All of these qualified applicants were brought in for a “group interview” with Mr. Vader. After their interview was complete and it was verified that their B23-1-14 Imperial Peace Keeping Permit was in good standing, Mr. Vader selected Boba Fett as the most qualified applicant for the assignment.

"Tell me about a time you had to deal with a difficult team member."

The question facing Mr. Vader and Mr. VanRhssk was how to categorize Boba Fett’s employment status with the Empire? Ideally, they would prefer to categorize Boba Fett as an independent contractor, alleviating the Empire’s responsibility to pay certain taxes and health benefits. Given the dangerous nature of a Bounty Hunter’s work, it was doubtful that the Empire would want to be liable for any catastrophic injury that might befall Boba Fett during his assignment.

Independent Contractors are self-employed individuals hired on a contract basis for short-term, specialty assignments. They usually have a high amount of discretion in the manner in which they go about completing their assignment. There are a number of widely accepted criteria that help determine if a worker is an Independent Contractor or an employee.

1) If the worker supplies his or her own equipment, materials and tools.

• The Empire did not initially provide any equipment to Boba Fett. He came readily equipped with his own blaster, Mandalorian body armor, and starship (Slave I). However, later in employment the Empire did provide Boba with the use of a Carbonite freezing chamber to complete his work.

2) If the worker can be discharged at any time.

• The hiring of Boba Fett was intended to act only as a supplement to the Empire’s initiative to capture Han Solo, Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker. Therefore, on the off-chance that Imperial Stormtroopers would capture them during the course of normal operations, the objective would be completed and Boba Fett’s employment would be summarily terminated.

3) If the worker controls the hours of employment.

• Boba Fett was given the autonomy to work as he saw fit. He was not required by Mr. Vader to report to work at any certain time, nor was he required to clock in or out, nor otherwise document his work time.

4) Does the employee solely rely on the employer for a steady income?

• The Empire was not Boba’s only source of income. He had several other active death-contracts at the time with Jabba the Hutt.

In this case Mr. Vader and Mr. VanRhssk correctly categorized Boba Fett as an independent contractor and not an employee of the Empire. This turned out to be an important decision later on. During the staged execution of Han Solo, Boba was knocked into a Sarlaac Pit and injured. Boba attempted to sue the Empire for medical benefits after he escaped, claiming he was technically an employee, but a Circuit Court Judge threw the case out based on lack of merit. The Empire’s lawyers were able to provide an adequate defense that Boba met all the conditions required by law to be considered an independent contractor and not an employee of the Empire.

Steve Byrne and the Pittsburgh Takeover

Yet another home-grown comedian has made an enormous stride. Comedian Steve Byrne has just landed his own show on TBS called “Sullivan and Son.” The first run of the show will be about 10 episodes long and will be set in Pittsburgh. Finally, we can hear classically trained actors attempt speak Yinzer and expose the flaws in their research.

Steve is originally from Pittsburgh’s North side (technically Hampton) but he’s been a nationally touring comedian for a long time now. I’ve been lucky enough to work with him on at least one occasion. One Saturday night, probably 4 years ago, Terry Jones and I stopped in to see his show. We were on our way to a crap bar gig and introduced ourselves after he had finished up his set. Steve said we should come down on Saturday just to do a quick guest set. So we did. It was one of the first times that I truly felt a little part of the broader community of stand-up comedians. You could tell he was trying to pay forward some favor that had probably been done for him when he was starting out. He also gave us a copy of his DVD 13 or Bust, which basically follows Steve’s one night journey to play all thirteen of the comedy clubs in NYC in one night. It is truly one of the unheralded inspirational comedy documentaries.

This is all to say that with Steve Byrne, Billy Gardell and Anthony Jeselnik all gaining national attention it’s becoming abundantly apparent: people are buying whatever we’re selling. I know that just because every one of those comics is from Pittsburgh doesn’t necessarily mean that there qualities are identical. But there is a common thread.

Check out the interview Steve did with WDVE today. CLICK HERE.

Detroit Mom Struggles to Answer 5-year Old’s Existential Questioning

Detroit, MI – Passengers of Southwest flight 3445 poured through the jetway of Terminal 12b at Detroit Metro Airport.  None of the passengers was more relived to be out of the sky than Paula Hammlin.  On a routine flight back from her mother’s house in Oklahoma City, Paula’s 5 year old daughter, Haley, began to ask her difficult existential questions.

“As soon as we got to about 30,000 feet and Haley saw the tops of the clouds,” recounted Hammlin.  “She just started in on me with questions about angels and God and Jesus.  It was a nightmare.”

Witnesses said they overheard Haley ask such questions as:

• Mommy, if Heaven is in the sky and we’re in the sky, then where are the angels?
• Do angels have houses?
• Where do angels get food? 
•  Is Jesus an angel? 
• Does Jesus have a car? 
• What kind of car does Jesus drive then? 
• Is God really Jesus’ Daddy? 
• Does God have a Ralph like you?  (Ralph is Hammlin’s current live-in boyfriend) 
• Does Jesus have to call Ralph, Daddy too?  
• If Satan was an angel created by God and Satan is bad, doesn’t that make God fallible and therefore invalidate any edict or decree that uses His Righteousness as the reasoning behind it?

 

"Honey. Shhhhh!"

“I felt bad for the poor lady,” said one passenger.  “My daughter did that to me one time at my Great Uncle’s funeral.  I feel for her.”

Hammlin, self-described as a “casual Methodist,” told reporters that her theological knowledge was no match for her daughter’s questioning.  “It’s going to be tough for me to explain to her why she has to go to school in the morning when I can’t even explain why Heaven doesn’t have a McDonalds.”

Inside the Improv Green Room: Charlie Murphy

“Where the heck are they?” I nervously asked the manager of the Improv last Thursday night.  The 250 people who came out to see Charlie Murphy at the 8:00 show were becoming restless as the clock moved closer to 9:00.  I’d have to spend the first half of my set apologizing for the delay.

“They said they’re on Washington road,” the manager replied.  “Still probably about 15 minutes away.”

At this early stage of the weekend, my opinion of Charlie Murphy was becoming more and more solidified.  He didn’t take stand-up seriously.  He was just one of the many television personalities that figured he could make a few bucks touring comedy clubs, standing on stage and doling out one-liners from his past TV escapades.  To me, showing up late means you couldn’t care less.

The clock reached 9:00 and someone said to me, “They’re here.  And they want to talk to you about your material before you go up on stage.”  Great.  Add control freak to the pile of adjectives.

As I walked through the doors to the Green Room, I found a very agitated Charlie Murphy pacing back and forth.  “I’ve never, EVER, been late to a stand-up show in 10 years!” he said.  “It’s unacceptable.  It’s embarrassing.”  For some idiotic reason, the car service picking up Charlie had sent a driver from Butler, PA into downtown Pittsburgh with no GPS and expected the man to competently navigate from Downtown to Homestead.  Ok, so the late thing wasn’t Charlie’s fault.

As I shuffled my way into the room, feature comedian Paul Farmer (aka Freez Luv) introduced himself to me.  I asked how he liked to be introduced and then started inquiring about my material.  Freez got Charlies attention.  “Hey Charlie, I’m Jeff, the MC.”  I then went through my setlist: Casinos, Rufies, Prisons, etc.

“That’s fine man,”  Charlie said.  “I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t stepping on your topics or anything.  Have a great show.”  OK.  So the micro-manager stuff was just a professional courtesy.

Basically the moral of this story is going to be, right when you think you have someone pegged, they usually do a 180 and make you feel like an absolute jerk.

Charlie did take stand-up seriously and as the weekend wore on I got some insight into his journey.  “Most people have the benefit of anonymity when they start out,” he explained.  “The first time I tried comedy in the early 2000′s, I was already a name.  People wanted me to headline and I didn’t even have 5 minutes yet.  So the failures that you always have in stand-up weren’t glossed over.  They were put on YouTube and passed around.  Here’s Charlie Murphy doing a joke that doesn’t work.  Well, I’ve only been doing comedy for 8 months man!”    He was probably referring to a relatively popular video of him being boo’d off stage at Grambling University.  “I did three shows right before that and they all went great.  But no one posts about that stuff.”

"Darkness" and Lightness

After that discussion, I started to truly appreciate the ability I have to slink out of clubs after a bad set with no repercussions.  No one is taking cell phone videos at open mics.  There’s no Huffington Post article about the backlash from my “Black Eyed Pea’s Are Robots” joke.  Thank God for that.  I would think it makes comedy a lot less fun.

I also got a chance to talk to Charlie about hecklers.  He has a relatively intimidating stage presence.  Most of the stories that he’s famous for involve him beating the snot out of Rick James, so he’s got a lot of built-in physical respect.  “That’s how I used to come at people who would yell out.  I’d go straight street on their ass.”  One time in San Fransisco a heckler began yelling out incessantly during his set.  The way the room was set up, the stage was level with the audiences heads.  The man was in the first row.   “I told him that if he didn’t shut up, I was going to use his mouth like a staircase.  And I was going all the way to the basement.”

That’s the type of thing that would get me to shut up.  “But I’ve stopped taking that approach now.  Chappelle pulled me aside after a show and said, ‘You can’t be doing that.  Because one day you’re going to run into yourself out in that audience and it’s going to be on.’  I had never thought about it like that.  So I try to be more patient with hecklers now.”

Overall, the weekend was a ridiculous success.  He sold 4 out of the 6 shows out entirely, which is difficult to do.  Both he and Freez Luv were extremely cool to me and even gave me some good compliments while they were doing radio.  On WDVE they said I had a bright future.

“He’s got that look, you know,” Freez said.  “It’s like…he’s kinda like…”

Charlie jumped in.  “He’s like Napoleon Dynamite.”

Gosh!